Episode Two: My New Hope

A long time ago (well, 18 months) in a galaxy far, far away (Arkansas), a young padawan learner began a journey.  The goal: to wipe out the dark forces in her world, and lose 100 pounds.  For awhile, the story was shared (blogged) and then there was a time of quiet.  Now, we're back to continue the saga.

Four months ago, I wrote my last blog post.  Since then, I have continued to diet and just before Christmas, I reached my goal.

I have lost 100 pounds.

If you read my last post, you'll remember that I never actually thought I would lose those 100 pounds.  In fact, my absence from the blog is proof - while it took me a little over a year to lose about 75 of those pounds, it took another 6 months to get the remaining 25 pounds off of me.  I was steadfast, and kept going - but I didn't expect that to be the way it would go.  At many points, I thought it just never would come off.  That's probably why I stopped writing.  But I didn't stop dieting.  And I got there.

So, for those who like the stats:

My "before" photo, June 2011.

100 pounds lighter,
in Hawaii,
December 2012.

Starting weight on June 21, 2011:   
270 lbs.

Goal weight on December 11, 2012: 
170 lbs.

Total pounds lost: 100

Total inches lost:  51

Now that I've reached my goal, is the story over?  No.  The first part is over.  Now begins Episode Two of my story.

For me, Episode Two is all about one thing - using the force.  I will stay here on the side of light, and avoid the temptation of the dark side.  Specifically, I aim to stay within 5 pounds of my goal weight, which I have done for one month now.

As I suspected, the hardest part of this journey wasn't losing the weight.  It's staying the course.  And that's my new challenge.  Maintaining the body I have gotten back.  How am I going to do it?  Honestly, I have no idea.  But maybe if I think like a Jedi, I will figure it out.  So, what would a Jedi do?

A Jedi would stay fit.  After all, light saber fights are hard!  You could lose a hand!  So, I'll be working on a new exercise plan to tone up and stay healthy.

A Jedi would stay sharp.  One of the coolest benefits to being a Jedi is the ability make things happen with your mind.  I bet I could do that.  I can learn to clear my mind and control my actions - or more accurately, my food actions.  I am already more aware of everything I put in my mouth, and with continued training, I can keep making good choices.  (These are NOT the nachos you are looking for...)

Maybe most importantly, a Jedi strives to achieve balance.  Young Luke would get super crabby when he couldn't go into town and hang out with his friends - just because Uncle Owen had farm work for him to do.  But as a Jedi, he learned to handle life's stresses and responsibilities much better - thanks to Ben Kenobi and Yoda.  I've gotten pretty good at achieving balance in many areas of my life.  Now, it's time for food balance.

One month into my diet, July 2011.
Proof that the dark side is everywhere -
even in Bentonville, Arkansas.

Not long ago, I was definitely on the dark side - hanging out with Stormtroopers, eating whatever I wanted, and buying size 28 pants.  It sounds blissful, but in truth, I was in pain, felt bad, and couldn't paint my toenails.  Even with all that, it was easy to go to the dark side because everything is delicious there. 

But now, I consider myself a part of the food rebellion.  I'm making good choices and celebrating my achievement.  In fact, the dark side of food doesn't even SOUND good to me anymore.  Why?  Because the force is strong in this one.

I'm ready for the next episode in this saga.  I know it won't be easy... the dark side will always have a new sith lord on the horizon to tempt me, but I will not give in.  I have A New Hope.

May the force be with you.  And with me.

Get busy livin'

Weekly Weigh In:

Current weight - 177 lbs.

Starting weight - 269 lbs.

Pounds lost - 92

Sometimes, the best movies are both inspiring and difficult to watch.  They can include characters that are both kind and ruthless, sweet and mean, funny and introspective.  One of my very favorite movies is in this category - The Shawshank Redemption.  Oh, it's so good!  I have seen it forty-kazillion times, mostly on TBS with commercials, but it never loses its appeal for me.  Mostly, I love that it is a story about hope... and that if you keep hope alive, even the most grueling tasks can be overcome.

When I started this diet, I my goal was to lose 100 pounds.  A grueling task, no doubt.  I have always hoped I would make it.  But, if I'm being honest, I'll tell you a secret here - I have never actually thought I'd lose all 100 pounds.  I've been dieting for 20 years, and I've never, ever achieved my weight loss goals in that time... so,why would it work THIS time?  I now realize that part of me has always thought I'd eventually give up, fail, or abandon this effort.

If we're being honest, we'll now call out this truth - I have tried to sabotage myself.  How?  Well, blogging is one area - or, the lack of blogging - this, my friends, is part of that abandonment.  I can give you lots of excuses (I'm busy!  I don't have anything to say!  Nobody reads it anyhow!) but they're all just dumb.  I've also tried to sabotage myself with food - I've snacked a bit more lately, keeping me around the same weight for a few weeks.  I'm delaying reaching that goal weight - why?  Because I'm scared.  

So, my question today is this: WHAT AM I SCARED OF, REALLY?  Isn't this what I've wanted for years?  Dreamed about, even?  Why would I be scared of actually getting there?

Because then, I have to STAY there.  Or, simply put, NOT GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK.  The horror of this statement is incredible, because while I have no experience losing weight until now, I have even LESS experience keeping it off.

Add to this one major element - I lost weight by NOT eating food.  And now, as I reach my goal weight, I'm going to have to start thinking about food again - the RIGHT food - and be active, make good choices, and all that stuff.  And clearly, this is not a skill set I naturally possess.  Is it any wonder that just typing this makes me hyperventilate?

The hilarious thing is this - none of my sabotages have worked, and I'm now less than 10 pounds from my goal weight.  And that means it's time to move to the next level - FOOD.  Last week, my trusted nutritionist sat me down to talk about this very thing.  I knew this was the trajectory - they told me at the beginning you start with "reducing" and then move into "adapting," and then on to "maintaining."  I knew it.  But I was not prepared for my response to the transition.  Kind and gentle Casey sat with me for an hour, going over paperwork and documents about meal planning, transitioning from shakes and pudding back to real food, and the meal exchanges that would need consideration.  We talked about iPhone apps like myfitnesspal and how to track what I'm doing so I don't misstep.  We discussed when adapting would start, what to expect, and all the surrounding details.  I listened carefully, even offered some intelligent comments - and left feeling like a dumptruck just slammed into me.  The truth was hard: soon, I would have to start thinking about food again.  For the rest of that day, all I could think was that clearly, I cannot be trusted with food - look at the mess I made of it before? - and this would never, ever work.

The discussion was several days ago, and I still haven't really read the documents she gave me.  After all, I still have about 8 pounds before I reach my goal - and it can wait, right?  Well, Casey is a genius - and has done this before, clearly - because she KNEW it would happen to me this way.  She knew I'd be in a bit of denial and totally afraid of eating again and gaining back all 100 pounds in the very first week.  (She also knew this because it's happened to pretty much everyone who has been successful on New Directions.)  That's why she gave me the papers early.  So I could freak out, make wild overstatements and have my moment of panic.  And then, in time, read the information and actually continue succeeding.  Like I said, she's a genius.

The food issue is only half of what freaks me out.  The other half is this - what does life look like when I actually am a person who has lost 100 pounds?  Real life?  Daily, normal, non-extraordinary life?  In my head, I've dreamed about what being thinner and healthier would mean, but I've never really considered what my life would look like if that happened - because, as I said, I never thought it would.  So, now I must consider it - what does it mean to be healthy and normal-sized?  So far, I can say that it means lots of small things - my belly doesn't touch the steering wheel of the car anymore.  I don't need catalogs for "plus sized" ladies.  My belly button isn't a cavern of mysteries - it's just a regular innie.  My suitcases got smaller because my clothes are smaller.  My husband weighs more than I do.  Along with those little things, there's this one big thing that looms - I have to ALWAYS think about what I'm eating and doing, or I'll surely sabotage myself.  This is a daunting, exhausting statement - the kind that used to drive me straight for the Oreos.  But not now.  No Oreos.  It's ok to be exhausted by this thought - I just have to find new ways of processing the thought.  And I am.

Maybe I'm like some of the men in The Shawshank Redemption... like Brooks.  I always feel so bad when Brooks leaves the prison and can't survive on the outside.  Red explains it so well - he was institutionalized, and when given a new reality, couldn't adapt.  Maybe that's what's going on for me.  For over a year now, I've disregarded food completely.  I've dreamed of it - missed it - even coveted other people's delicious meals and stared at them with longing and disdain as they ate.  (Sorry about that, by the way.)  But, shakes and pudding are all I've known.  Now, like Brooks, I'm approaching the halfway house of my diet - the adapting phase - and it's pretty scary.  He didn't know how to deal with it.  I'm not sure I will, either.  I'd like to handle it the way Red does - using the time at the halfway house to reflect and remember, plan for the future, and make my way to the ocean.  To get busy livin' this new life I've created - even if I never thought it would happen.

Happy Diet-versary!

Today is my one year diet-versary.  On June 27, 2011, I started my New Directions diet journey.  Rather than celebrate with a big piece of cake (which is what I really want, to be honest), I decided that a celebratory blog post was in order.


Even though I did not lose all 100 pounds in one year (my original goal), I think this has been an incredibly successful journey.  That success, as many of you know, has been measured in lots of different ways.  So, my anniversary blog post should acknowledge all those ways that I've measured success.  


Success measurement #1: The stats:
Tracking my weight and measurements has been very useful for me.  Even when I didn't lose weight from week to week, staying focused on this kind of measurement was quite a motivator for me.


Weight:

Starting weight: 270 lbs.

One year anniversary weight: 185 lbs.

Measurements:

Starting Bust: 52 inches

One year anniversary Bust: 44 inches

Starting Waist: 48.5 inches

One year anniversary Waist: 41 inches

Starting Hips: 55 inches

One year anniversary Hips: 47 inches

Starting Neck: 16.5 inches

One year anniversary Neck: 13 3/4 inches

Starting Thigh: 28 inches

One year anniversary Thigh: 23 inches

Starting Upper Arm: 16.5 inches

One year anniversary Arm: 13.5 inches

Total pounds lost: 85 lbs.
Total inches lost: Over 34 inches.


On Friday, I'll get more stats, and maybe some BMI numbers - so I'll post them at that time.


Success measurement #2: Photos
When the numbers on the scale seemed out of sync with how my body felt, I often turned to photos.  They helped me see my progress, in a way that was not possible every day in the mirror.  The photos were hugely important in my journey, and I'm glad we took so many.


Comparing the beginning of the process with where I am today is also pretty amazing.  Check it out.

Starting pictures:

Our wedding day, two weeks before the diet began (June 11, 2011)

One year anniversary pictures:

Yesterday (June 26, 2012)

(Taken with my iPhone, so they're fuzzy and low resolution.)

Facial view:

  

Front view:

  

Side view:

  

This particular exercise is somewhat staggering.  Seeing these images, side by side, explains why so many people don't recognize me anymore.  They need a minute, and then they realize it's me.  This is happening with everyone - not just people who haven't seen me in a year, either.  My sweet husband confessed on our wedding anniversary that I no longer look like the girl he married - and sometimes, he looks over at me, and it takes him a minute to process how much I've changed.  Even my co-workers have made similar statements, and they see me every day.  If I had any concerns that I could re-make my body, they are now at rest.


Success measurement #3:  Clothes


One of my goals at the beginning of this was to be in regular sizes at the end of one year - and leave the plus sizes behind.  Well, here are the stats:

Starting clothes size:

3X or 4X (Plus Size 24/26 or 28/30)

One year anniversary clothes size:

L or XL (Regular size 14/16 or 16/18)

This is big.  Or, really, it's small.  I no longer shop in the plus size section, and actually have clothes that fit me and are somewhat flattering.  I have donated over a dozen bags of clothes to charities as I've gone down in sizes, except one pair of pants that I've kept as a reminder.  My attitude towards clothes has completely changed, and I find myself loving dresses and cute shoes more than ever.  I really look forward to the day when I'm at a size I will maintain, rather than breeze through, so I can have the fun of creating a wardrobe filled with colorful, fun clothes.


Success measurement #4: Moments of Unexpected Wonderfulness


Most surprisingly, this year has been full of unexpected surprises... things I didn't know would be markers of my success, but turned out to be the best things of all.  Some of my favorites are still very simple things: crossing my legs on an airplane, feeling energetic while swimming on vacation, allowing my photograph to be taken in a bathing suit... each one somewhat intangible, but to me, incredibly real.  One of the very best unexpected surprises happened just 3 days ago, and it was a WHOPPER.


Sunday afternoon, Max was packing his stuff before heading out of town on a trip with his school theatre company.  Their play, The Trojan Women, went to the state competition earlier this year, and won high enough marks to be invited to compete at the National Thespian Competition in Nebraska.  This was huge for Max, as this was his first play!  His excitement has not waned in the past few months, so he was particularly thrilled to finally be getting ready to go.  As he was packing, he proudly showed me the custom made duffle bags and hoodies that each student got for the trip.  His name was embroidered on the front, along with the theatre company's logo.  I mentioned that his hoodie reminded me of my old high school jacket, complete with my junior varsity and varsity letters on it, patches from competitions, and my name - just like Max's.  While my letters were for tennis and marching band, not theatre, I completely connected the two - and in that moment, fully appreciated how excited Max was about his trip and competition.  I remembered that feeling so well - I loved band competitions, and could completely relate. 


Then, I turned to my sweet husband and said, "My jacket is 22 years old now... amazing how time flies."  And then, I had a revelation - that jacket just might fit me again.  


I could not wait one second more.  I sprang up from my chair and ran to my closet.  I reached into the back of the darkest corner, and pulled out the red corduroy letterman's jacket.  Holy cow - it was a size L.  Would it fit?  


I yanked it off the hanger, and even though it was 101-degrees outside, slid my arms into the jacket I had once loved, but forgotten about for decades.  And then, I snapped it shut.  All the snaps.  It fit.  For the first time in 22 years, I was wearing my high school jacket - which means that I was back to my high school size once more.


I nearly fell over from surprise and excitement.  


I ran out into the living room and showed my boys, and they both smiled SO big...  This was a big moment, and they knew it.  And, like most of these surprise moments, I couldn't have planned for it at all.  


Instead of feeling sad that I didn't lose all 100 pounds in a year, my moment with my high school jacket has given me the ability to see all the good that's happened.  I was honestly worried that I'd beat myself up about the goal not being reached - but then, life continues to give me what I need at every juncture.  Sometimes I think I'm just lucky - and then, sometimes I think that these moments are actually there for us all.  The trick is that you have to LOOK for them - really look - and then they become real.


This has been one heck of a year.  I got married, became a stepmom, opened a new museum, traveled to some really cool places, and made lots of art.  I also lost 85 pounds and over 34 inches, and made my health a priority for the first time in a long time.  So, happy diet-versary to me, my wonderful family, and everyone who has taken this journey with me.


Now, really, let's go get that cake.

Vacation Success

Usually, when I go on vacation, I worry about going off my diet.  With this particular program, I was double worried - both because of the restrictive nature of my eating and all my Florida food triggers.  So, like a prize fighter before a big match, about two weeks ago, I started thinking seriously about how to do this "vacation thing" without gaining a ton of weight.  And, as with all successes in life, it was all about the planning.


Planning happens for every vacation - flights, cars, hotels - but my planning went further.  I had to get enough product for two weeks, and make sure I knew where I'd be at those mealtimes.  I had to buy clothes for the trip - I had NOTHING that fit me for warm weather.  I shopped for a swimsuit (less painful than I remember!) and shorts, and some lightweight cotton dresses.  Every one of those things was found in the regular clothes section - size XL, 16 or 18. (WOOT!)


Before we arrived, Mom was planning for food, too.  She asked about foods for me and the guys - she wanted to have all our standard fare in the house, especially since the kiddo is still rather limited in what he eats.  I emailed her a list, and she stocked the house with their favorites.  She made sure I had what I needed, too - which was mainly just Crystal Light and lots of water.


On the plane, we slid into our seats and buckled up.  Click!  No extender needed.  I even had to tighten it significantly.  (Can this really be me?)  Then, something truly miraculous happened - I CROSSED MY LEGS.  ON AN AIRPLANE.  Right there - in that moment - I knew vacation would be different this time.  I grinned for 2 hours.


As we drove in from the airport to my parent's house, I was pointing out the window at places I love.  At least 8 times, I heard myself say to my sweet husband, "Oh, I love the food there - it's so good!" or "They have the best salad bar ever!"  Only then did I realize that far too much of my Florida happiness involved food - Five Guys, Sweet Tomatoes, Publix Subs, Mickey Mouse ice cream bars - the list goes on and on.  This was a major realization for me, and I made a mental note to hold onto this the entire time we were there.  My eating life has really changed.


The first two days were easy - we mostly stayed at the house and swam in the pool.  I had three products a day, and felt good about all the water I was drinking.  Max and I played for hours in the water, with me treading water in the deep end for extended amounts of time while throwing a football.  I was in a bathing suit and cotton dresses practically the whole time, which kept me aware of my success - and helped me stay on track.

Mom, Max, Me (and my fanny pack),
Kyle and Rachel.

Monday, we went to Islands of Adventure, to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I put on my t-shirt and shorts, and felt better in these clothes than I had in YEARS.  I literally have no memories of living in Florida that aren't accompanied by feeling huge and out of shape, so this was a very big deal.  I knew I would sweat (it IS Florida, after all...) but I also knew that I'd be sweating because of the humidity and pummeling heat - not because I was morbidly obese anymore.  I asked my parents for a fanny pack to borrow for the day, since I was always too fat to have one of my own.  When they brought me one, not only did it fit, but I had to TIGHTEN it.  Amazing.


That day, I had two packets of product with me, and was ready to stay on track - which I totally did.  I drank gallons of water (thanks to the brutal heat), and at lunchtime while everyone else had burgers and chicken sandwiches in Jurassic Park, I had a shake.  The diet didn't prevent me from trying a sip of Pumpkin Juice and Butterbeer, but I only needed a taste - not a whole, sugary cup.  (After all, I don't get into Hogsmeade that often.)  I learned a great trick that day, too - I didn't carry my plastic cup for mixing my shakes with me (they get smelly in the heat if they're not washed right away).  I got an empty paper cup and lid, and bottle of cold water, and I made my shakes with ease.  By dinner, we were home and I had successfully stayed on track with all three products that day.  

I have never allowed a photo of
me in a bathing suit before. I
know it's far away and fuzzy, but
it's proof that I wore one.

Tuesday and Thursday were beach days - first at Cocoa Beach, and second at Siesta Beach.  On these days, it was also very easy to stay on track with my products.  I drank lots of water, and felt pretty satisfied.  It also felt GREAT to lay on the beach in my swimsuit, which is something I have NEVER experienced before.  I no longer felt embarrassed, or like I should hide under a long t-shirt - I felt like a totally regular person.  For many fat people, just feeling regular is a big, big deal - including me.  


On Tuesday night, we went to our family's favorite restaurant, La Forchetta, and I had eggplant.  The food there is phenomenal, so I was not going to miss it!  The owners of the restaurant are like family to us, and it was wonderful to see them, and share this place with my hubby and kiddo.  I resisted their bread and pasta like a champ, and enjoyed the meal immensely.  This has become one of my unspoken rules of dieting - if you are faced with food that's amazing, but that you don't get to eat often, you need to eat some of it and enjoy it.  I haven't had La Forchetta's delicious food in years, and it will likely be years before I get it again - so I went for it.  I'm thrilled that I did.


Wednesday we were at the Magic Kingdom, and got soaked!  It rained from Wednesday through the end of the week, but that didn't stop us from venturing out and doing things - nor did it stop me from staying on track.  My only variance: a hot dog on Main Street.  There's one thing I know - in the heat, you have to make sure you have fuel, or your body gets achy and you get crabby-face.  (Ever seen those folks?  Not attractive.)  I had already consumed all my products, but was feeling hungry and a bit weak, so I ate a hot dog.  It kept my crabby-face at bay, and we had a great time.


Friday we traveled home, relaxed, tired and with a little pink in our cheeks.  Again, I had all three products and lots of water.  Sitting in the airport waiting to board our plane, I felt particularly great as the boys had a burger and I had my pudding - I had actually done it.  I had dieted my way through vacation, and it was still awesome.


Before we left, my last weigh in had me at 191 lbs.  Yesterday morning, I got on my scale at home, and it said 188 lbs.  This may be the first time in the history of humankind that someone actually lost weight on vacation.  I don't officially weigh in until this coming Friday, but for now, I am feeling pretty invincible.


This was also the jump start I needed to get through the last leg of the reducing phase on my diet.  Originally, I had hoped to be at my goal weight by June 1, but I'm not quite there yet.  This kind of triumph just means there is absolutely no reason I can't shed these last 20-ish pounds and arrive at my goal weight.  That's kind of a big deal for me, too - because even though I've lost a whole bunch of weight already, actually reaching my goal is still not something I am taking for granted.  I still sometimes wonder if I'll make it all the way to 100 pounds.  But, after this week, I have renewed hope.


If we had chosen to vacation somewhere else - somewhere that didn't involve tons of walking, lots of sweating, gallons of water-drinking, and multiple days in bathing suits and shorts - this may have been a very different blog entry.  If we had gone to a place where there were no friends or family members telling me how great I look, and being so encouraging about my diet, I may have gained a few pounds.  Thanks to the planning, support, and climate, the vacation was a success, from beginning to end.

Back to the Blog

To quote one of my favorite movies, "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around every once in awhile, you might miss it."  That, my friends, is how I feel about my life these days.


It's been just about a month since my last blog post, and life has definitely been busy.  Work has me hopping, family life is good but very busy, and the never ending search for some down time has continued in earnest.  Some nights, I'd think, "I need to update the blog."  And then, I'd find myself sucked into reading the Hunger Games, or spending some time with my hubby watching American Idol.  Even though the blog posts became less frequent, I have no regrets - life is busy, and should be lived.  Now, it's time to catch up.


I'm in week 43 of my diet, and here are my stats:


Week 1:    270 lbs.
Week 43:  193 lbs.


Total weight lost: 77 lbs.


The past few weeks have been slow going on the scale, but highly satisfying in the dressing room.

My dear friend Shaun is getting married in a few weeks, and I needed a couple of cute things to wear to the shin-dig.  So, I went shopping for some dresses.  Once at the store, I found that I was shopping in the regular size section - and fitting into XL dresses with ease.  Oh, the choices - so many more!  Beautiful prints and colors, nothing boxy or obviously trying to hide one's curves - it was HEAVEN.  I tried on at least 20 dresses - and at least 15 of them looked great!  I bought four, and even took a photo of myself in the dressing room and sent it to my Mom.  I felt GREAT... all at once, I felt sexy and girly and wonderful.  I even bought shoes to match, and came home glowing with excitement.


I wore the dress on the hanger in the picture to work on Monday, and got so many compliments, I felt like a rock star.  Everything from my newly found waist to my small ankles were discussed as I walked around the offices.  My weight loss (and my Spanx) had me feeling svelte and feminine.


With the weather changing, I'm not only ready to embrace wearing dresses in the balmier weather.  Shedding my heavy winter coat every day has revealed another amazing thing.  I've  become keenly aware of how far my belly has shrunken, especially when I'm driving.  When I sit in the car, my belly is so far away from the steering wheel, I could put a toddler in my lap without even honking the horn.  (Of course, I wouldn't - that would be unsafe and ridiculous... but still, can you say AMAZING?)


Over the coming weeks, I will be traveling by airplane a few times.  I know my new found body will be apparent when I'm sitting in the seat on the plane, and I'll once again fly in comfort and with a secret smile on my face that has nothing to do with upgrades or complimentary peanuts.  The travel will be a challenge when it comes to food - but I am still committed to being done with my reducing phase by the end of June, and starting my adapting and maintenance phases soon thereafter.  Because frankly, no cheeseburger will ever taste as good as being in those dresses feels.


This process takes time.  That's ok.  But the result is worth every minute of work and waiting.

Roller Coaster

Having worked for many years in a theme park, I am a very big fan of roller coasters.  They are thrilling, exciting and scary all at the sometime.  I love the big, steel coasters that have loops and corkscrew turns, that catapult you through the air.  But mostly, I love the feeling of being out of control, and yet, somehow know I'm going to survive it anyway.


The past few weeks have been a definite roller coaster.  I have weighed in a few times and gone both up and down.  I have had challenges with my weight loss.  I have celebrated some milestones.  I've even had a few moments of sobering realities for myself and others.  

In early February, I decided it was time to update my look.  I went to my hairdresser, and asked for a short haircut.  I felt like I had finally lost enough weight in my face and neck to go back to the shorter, sassier hair I had always loved.  She gave me a completely adorable cut that took pounds off my whole frame, and years off my look.  I shaved a good 20 minutes off my morning routine because there was so little hair to dry and style now, and have been loving it ever since.  


On February 24, I weighed in and reached a milestone.  I lost 4 pounds that week, and finally dipped below the 200 mark - I was 199.  I was ELATED, and felt like I was speeding through the corkscrews on a really fast roller coaster.  I haven't seen a 1 on the scale as my first number in years.  I could not have been happier!


After my great weigh-in, I flew to New York City for the National Art Educators Association National Convention.  I was so excited to see my friends and colleagues from around the globe, and to spend some time in my favorite city.  I was especially thrilled that my best friend, Lenny, was there - she's an art teacher, and so much fun... I couldn't wait to see her!  


I boarded my flight, and slid easily into my seat, rather than being wedged between the armrests.  I buckled my seat belt with no problem - and even had room to spare! - and didn't even begin to need a seat belt extender.  I grinned like a goofball the whole way to New York, because I was just regular sized now, not obese.  I was in a whole different group of travelers - I was no longer the one people sized-up at the gate while waiting, and thought to themselves, "I hope I don't have to sit beside her."

While in NYC, I knew I would eat more than I do at home, and probably go out of ketosis, and I made peace with that.  It was bittersweet, though, because I had just gotten under 200.  This, like the sickening feeling of going through the loop-de-loops, would be tougher to manage.  As I suspected, I had some New York favorites - food from a street vendor, amazing eggplant pizza - and I didn't regret a bit of it.  But, I also felt lousy when I got home - not emotionally lousy, but physically.  I had eaten more refined sugars and carbohydrates that week than in months, and it left me feeling a bit like a cinder block. 


The wonderful week came to an end, and Lenny and I headed back to LaGuardia.  At the airport, while checking in luggage, I noticed that one of her suitcases weighed nearly 70 lbs.  That's basically how much I've lost.  The gate agent told her she had to take 20 pounds out of it, or be charged an overage fee.  She immediately purged the bag and got it where it needed to be - and all I could think was that I'd lost as much as that suitcase.  And let me tell you, 70 lbs. is heavy.  I suddenly didn't feel so bad about the food I had eaten, because it could not negate my accomplishment.


I came home and weighed in again on Wednesday, March 7.  Driving to the doctor's office was like the long, slow crawl up the biggest hill on that roller coaster - agonizing, anxiety-inducing suspense.  I stepped on the scale, and as I suspected, I had gone up 2 pounds to 201.  (Insert interior screaming of both fear and terror!)  I was pretty sad, but quickly got over that - and decided that I'd get back on my program, and dip down again below 200 in no time. I had finally rolled into the station of the roller coaster ride, and I had actually survived.

Say cheese!

66 lbs. lost

Even though I've lost 66 pounds to date, I still hate having my picture taken.  I still dread seeing myself on film, and I probably always will.  Anytime you see me smiling on film, it's very possibly a forced smile, not a real one.  This is how all fat people feel about photographs, even if they say it isn't true.


I haven't posted photos in a long time for a few reasons:  
1.  I've been incredibly busy.
2.  I hate having my picture taken.
3.  I don't think the way I look has changed since the last set of photos, so I didn't see much point.


But, with all that being true, I realize that I'm not always right,and I don't always see what's really in front of me.  So today, I asked my sweet husband to take a few snaps - and here they are. 


I am not looking for sympathy or positive comments when I tell you that I dislike these photos intensely.  I simply dislike all photos of me, including these.


I can also say that they don't look that different from the last set to me - whether that's real or just what I see, it's my reality right now.


Additionally, I'm in weekend mode right now - which means I am not trying too hard with the way I look.  I've worked out and started laundry, but I sure haven't done much for my hair or makeup - because, well, it's Sunday - and I don't have to.


But sharing photos of the days I don't really try too hard is just as important as sharing the staged, prettier photos we all have taken from time to time - they are ALL of us, the real us, no matter what we think.  And dealing with that is part of this process.


A few things I know from these photographs - these are just some simple, cotton clothes, and they are not the most flattering in the world - that's why I just wear them around the house.  I could use some new bras, and will invest in them soon- because it is most certainly an investment.  I need some t-shirts that fit better, too.  I'm quite happy at how my legs are slimming down, though - and getting stronger, thanks to Zumba and walking a lot.  For those who remember that fateful day when I bought some pants in the regular size section for the first time - these are the very pants.  Nothing special, aside from the label that says XL (instead of 3X).


Seeing yourself in pictures is important - because it teaches you to see things more accurately, especially during a whole body makeover like mine.  While I still hate having my picture taken, I am glad I did it.