Weekly Weigh In:
Current weight - 177 lbs.
Starting weight - 269 lbs.
Pounds lost - 92
Sometimes, the best movies are both inspiring and difficult to watch. They can include characters that are both kind and ruthless, sweet and mean, funny and introspective. One of my very favorite movies is in this category - The Shawshank Redemption. Oh, it's so good! I have seen it forty-kazillion times, mostly on TBS with commercials, but it never loses its appeal for me. Mostly, I love that it is a story about hope... and that if you keep hope alive, even the most grueling tasks can be overcome.
When I started this diet, I my goal was to lose 100 pounds. A grueling task, no doubt. I have always hoped I would make it. But, if I'm being honest, I'll tell you a secret here - I have never actually thought I'd lose all 100 pounds. I've been dieting for 20 years, and I've never, ever achieved my weight loss goals in that time... so,why would it work THIS time? I now realize that part of me has always thought I'd eventually give up, fail, or abandon this effort.
If we're being honest, we'll now call out this truth - I have tried to sabotage myself. How? Well, blogging is one area - or, the lack of blogging - this, my friends, is part of that abandonment. I can give you lots of excuses (I'm busy! I don't have anything to say! Nobody reads it anyhow!) but they're all just dumb. I've also tried to sabotage myself with food - I've snacked a bit more lately, keeping me around the same weight for a few weeks. I'm delaying reaching that goal weight - why? Because I'm scared.
So, my question today is this: WHAT AM I SCARED OF, REALLY? Isn't this what I've wanted for years? Dreamed about, even? Why would I be scared of actually getting there?
Because then, I have to STAY there. Or, simply put, NOT GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK. The horror of this statement is incredible, because while I have no experience losing weight until now, I have even LESS experience keeping it off.
Add to this one major element - I lost weight by NOT eating food. And now, as I reach my goal weight, I'm going to have to start thinking about food again - the RIGHT food - and be active, make good choices, and all that stuff. And clearly, this is not a skill set I naturally possess. Is it any wonder that just typing this makes me hyperventilate?
The hilarious thing is this - none of my sabotages have worked, and I'm now less than 10 pounds from my goal weight. And that means it's time to move to the next level - FOOD. Last week, my trusted nutritionist sat me down to talk about this very thing. I knew this was the trajectory - they told me at the beginning you start with "reducing" and then move into "adapting," and then on to "maintaining." I knew it. But I was not prepared for my response to the transition. Kind and gentle Casey sat with me for an hour, going over paperwork and documents about meal planning, transitioning from shakes and pudding back to real food, and the meal exchanges that would need consideration. We talked about iPhone apps like myfitnesspal and how to track what I'm doing so I don't misstep. We discussed when adapting would start, what to expect, and all the surrounding details. I listened carefully, even offered some intelligent comments - and left feeling like a dumptruck just slammed into me. The truth was hard: soon, I would have to start thinking about food again. For the rest of that day, all I could think was that clearly, I cannot be trusted with food - look at the mess I made of it before? - and this would never, ever work.
The discussion was several days ago, and I still haven't really read the documents she gave me. After all, I still have about 8 pounds before I reach my goal - and it can wait, right? Well, Casey is a genius - and has done this before, clearly - because she KNEW it would happen to me this way. She knew I'd be in a bit of denial and totally afraid of eating again and gaining back all 100 pounds in the very first week. (She also knew this because it's happened to pretty much everyone who has been successful on New Directions.) That's why she gave me the papers early. So I could freak out, make wild overstatements and have my moment of panic. And then, in time, read the information and actually continue succeeding. Like I said, she's a genius.
The food issue is only half of what freaks me out. The other half is this - what does life look like when I actually am a person who has lost 100 pounds? Real life? Daily, normal, non-extraordinary life? In my head, I've dreamed about what being thinner and healthier would mean, but I've never really considered what my life would look like if that happened - because, as I said, I never thought it would. So, now I must consider it - what does it mean to be healthy and normal-sized? So far, I can say that it means lots of small things - my belly doesn't touch the steering wheel of the car anymore. I don't need catalogs for "plus sized" ladies. My belly button isn't a cavern of mysteries - it's just a regular innie. My suitcases got smaller because my clothes are smaller. My husband weighs more than I do. Along with those little things, there's this one big thing that looms - I have to ALWAYS think about what I'm eating and doing, or I'll surely sabotage myself. This is a daunting, exhausting statement - the kind that used to drive me straight for the Oreos. But not now. No Oreos. It's ok to be exhausted by this thought - I just have to find new ways of processing the thought. And I am.
Maybe I'm like some of the men in The Shawshank Redemption... like Brooks. I always feel so bad when Brooks leaves the prison and can't survive on the outside. Red explains it so well - he was institutionalized, and when given a new reality, couldn't adapt. Maybe that's what's going on for me. For over a year now, I've disregarded food completely. I've dreamed of it - missed it - even coveted other people's delicious meals and stared at them with longing and disdain as they ate. (Sorry about that, by the way.) But, shakes and pudding are all I've known. Now, like Brooks, I'm approaching the halfway house of my diet - the adapting phase - and it's pretty scary. He didn't know how to deal with it. I'm not sure I will, either. I'd like to handle it the way Red does - using the time at the halfway house to reflect and remember, plan for the future, and make my way to the ocean. To get busy livin' this new life I've created - even if I never thought it would happen.