Weekly weigh in #1: Hail to the Queen!

After one week of dieting, I went to the doctor's office this morning to weigh in.  I completed my form, and sat patiently for the door to open at 8am, and handed them  my papers.  My name was called and I went back.  I stepped on the scale.  Moment of truth time.  I exhaled deeply - almost as if it may have mattered - and looked down at the numbers.


258.6.


I lost 10 lbs. in my first week.


Inside, I was screaming, with much more profanity than I'm willing to document here, something like "Holy cow!  I don't believe it!  Woo-hoo!"  Inside, I was exploding bigger and brighter than any fireworks we could have possibly seen last night.


But outside, I was a picture of composure.  I warmly smiled at the woman who recorded my progress; a woman who was tired and not very happy to be back at work after a three day weekend but doing her job anyway.  She was non-plussed - I was freaking elated.  She then took my blood pressure, said I was in good shape, and "ready to go," and sent me to pick up my next three boxes of product.  With $78.00 for my food paid, I was out the door with a week's worth of meals in less than 15 minutes.


My life had just changed in 15 minutes.


I drove to work on cloud nine.  I strolled into our beautiful museum-in-progress, thinking about how my clothes fit more comfortably and how cute my shoes were - the sweet little black flats that had been on my shelf for awhile were now on my feet, rather than the ugly shoes I often wear for comfort.  The sun was on my face, and in my tote was my breakfast shake and my water bottle, and another packet to eat later for lunch.  As I passed friends and co-workers, I smiled - that same smile you get when you meet a new lover or deposit a big tax refund - and when asked, I shared my happy news.  I probably could have been fired today (from a job I truly love) and still come home smiling about this rare and wonderful thing - I have lost 10 lbs.

Around 10am, I began wondering... what does 10 lbs. look like?  


My first mental image was a 5 lb. bag of sugar - I lost two of those - and, judging from the headaches I had last week, lots of sugar indeed left my system.  


All day long I found myself mentally weighing things as I picked them up.  


My Macbook Pro, which I write this very blog on, weighs 5.6 lbs.  I've lost nearly two of those.  I've carried this computer through airports and on journeys in my bag - and felt how heavy it was after running from gate to gate.  And now I've lost two of them.


One of my favorite books ever, Charley Harper:  An Illustrated Life - a gargantuan volume of his incredible work - weighs 5.3 lbs.  I love this book - I have read it dozens of times.  And now, I've lost two Charley Harpers.


All day I kept going with the comparisons.  Six pairs of shoes - and those would be the leather, wedge heeled sandals - no flimsy ballet flats or espadrilles.  18 throw pillows.  Three baskets of laundry.  I lost 10 lbs.


I'm remembering what it feels like to carry that 10 lbs. of unnecessary weight around and the difference just losing that bit has made.  My legs don't feel fatigued.  My back feels better.  I can breathe easier.  I can move with more ease in general.  My clothes aren't snug - they hang more naturally on my frame - or sag.  When hugging me last night, my sweet husband smiled, and said, "you're getting smaller, baby."  I smiled, too.  Not because he loves me more (he doesn't - same as always, which is a TON), but because it's real.  It's really happening.


So tonight, when I came home to the smells of fantastic ground beef being cooked by aforementioned sweet husband, and I watched him make plates of spaghetti and ground beef, salad, and veggies for him and his son, I wasn't fazed.  I dutifully took a deep breath, enjoyed the smell, and began making my third shake of the day.  It was a new flavor - strawberry - and truly disgusting to taste (I won't be having THAT again...), but I am unfettered.  I am focused.  And I feel like royalty.

More than a name change

As many of you know, I'm currently going through the process of changing my last name, having just become a married woman.  Many people do this - it's not unusual.  For me, this is not my first marriage, but it is the first time I'm changing my name, and let me tell you:  it's a load of work.  Forms, phone calls, visiting offices and signing documents.  So far, so good: my social security card, driver's license, and bank accounts are done.  Credit cards are in process.  Passports and records in doctor's offices and the like will fall in line.  I am making headway, but there's going to be lots of places I forget about until the moment when they're critical - and that's frustrating for a type-A control freak like me.


The emotional part of this is not lost on me.  For nearly 39 years, I have been known by that name, and now that's shifting.  While I never had a doubt that I wanted to change my name, the decision to make my maiden name my new middle name surprised even me.  I've rationalized it by citing professional reasons, and the holding on to my family's roots, but  maybe I'm just afraid of losing my old self completely.  I really do find it important to both stay the old me and merge into the family I'm building with my sweet husband and stepson, and this name shift seems to accomplish that wisely.

In truth, it's exciting to see my whole, new name on each document that comes my way - and I am having fun writing my new signature on things and getting used to being called by my new moniker.


And all of this dovetails into the process of this diet.


It's not my first diet, but it is the first one that's working.  And let me just say: it's a load of work.  So far, so good:  I've spend nearly a whole week drinking the shakes and eating the pudding and soup, downing water like it's nobody's business, and I have not once slipped.  I'm making headway, but there are lots of moments that creep up on me and I don't know how hard they'll be until I'm there.


The emotional part of this isn't lost on me, either.  And neither are the juxtapositions.  The new me - the one who will eventually be thinner and more healthy, is a bit like my new last name:  it's what the world sees of me, and how people will come to know me.  (My new last name is even smaller than the old one - coincidence?)  But somewhere inside, the old me still lives, like a maiden name posing as a middle name:  will that girl hold on to the image of what I am now (fat but funny and likable), or release into the image of what I really become ( healthy, thin, still funny and likable, and, to quote my husband, "a hottie")?  

I hear about people who lose enormous amounts of weight that never see themselves as thin. They can only see the old, fat person who once stood in front of the mirror.  They continue to buy dull, dark clothing that's loose and unflattering, never realizing the world of fitted, bright, patterned, tailored fashion that now awaits them.  They end up on "What Not To Wear," throwing their old clothes in a garbage can.  Even after their exasperating journey, some of them cannot let go of, for lack of a better term, their maiden name.  


As with changing my name, changing my body and the way I approach food will take a long time.  The actual tasks of it - drinking the shakes, exercising, retraining my brain to let go of emotionally attaching food to happiness - I know I can do, even when it's hard or inconvenient.  But, like changing my name, the emotional change in my diet is far more important.  I am becoming the person I've always wanted to be, and that's scary.  And wonderful.  And worth doing.


In a short while, I'll look very different.  I'll have more energy and feel better.  My back won't hurt as much.  My clothes will fit with less tugging.  And, I'll even get used to answering to the name, "Mrs. Stewart."  It won't be easy, and I'm sure I'll have a lot of emotional stuff to handle as I go.  But at some point, I'll find my goal weight, and all my documents will say the same name - and nobody will remember the time when it was any other way.


Including me.

"So, lemme ask you this..."

Since I posted the first two entries, so many of you have commented on how brave I am (thanks!) or how proud you are of me for not only doing this (cool!), but for putting it out there all along the way (I've never been shy, as you well know).  I really appreciate all your encouragement!

You've also asked a lot of questions, some of which I will try and answer today.

 

For those of you who have asked, "what's it called again?," it's called New Direction Weight Control System.  It's available through your doctor, and here is a website that can tell you more:  New Directions System 

One thing I find really interesting is that this product is often used with patients who are considering bariatric surgery, but need to get to a goal weight before that's a safe option for them.  I feel like I'm getting the benefits of bariatric surgery without the risk, and that's amazing.

Another question I've had a lot this week is, "how much weight do you want to lose?"  I'm going for 100 lbs.  In a perfect world, I'd lose 120 lbs., but we need to see how my body does with 100 lbs. less on its frame.  Then, I'll make my decision.  I want to be healthy, I want to shop in the regular section of the store, not the plus size section, and I want to be able to gracefully paint my toenails without looking like I'm in some strange yoga pose.  And I want to be healthy.  I've never, ever wanted to be a specific weight, so I'm sticking with that theory.

And finally, the last question I've had recently is, "aren't you hungry?  Is that really enough?"  Well friends, let me say this - I'm always hungry.  (I suspect that's how I got fat.)  But, my body isn't deprived and feels full after eating and throughout the day.  My doctor prescribed an appetite suppressant, which is common for about 50% of folks on this program.  I took it the past two days, but did not today - and I feel great.  I haven't felt hungry or lightheaded.  I have had headaches, but that's a symptom of sugar withdrawl more than anything.  I am also drinking gigantic amounts of water each day, which makes you feel pretty full, so that helps a lot, too.

Keep the questions coming.  Now, back to my pudding.  (I highly recommend the chocolate.)

The journey begins

Hi.  My name is Niki.  I live in Arkansas with my brand new husband and stepson.  I work in an art museum. I have a beautiful home and fantastic family, and love the life we have built.  In fact, so much is good about my life that I finally am able to focus on the one thing that has always been a problem:  my weight.


This week, I started what may very well be the last diet of my life.  I'm only one day into it, and already things have changed, realities have shifted, and life is altered.  My head is full of revelations and ideas to the point of exploding!  And, because so many of my friends are also dieting and trying to get healthier, I've decided to chronicle my process, and share successes, failures, and everything in between.  (I'm inspired by my brave friend Shaun who has been blogging about his weight loss on his hilarious blog "Me On A Diet.")


Let's start with some truth:  I'm 5'2" and I weigh 268.6 lbs.  And that's too much.


So, two days ago, I went to my doctor's office to get started with New Direction Weight Control System.  It's a doctor-administered program that replaces food for awhile with high protein shakes/soups/puddings, and therefore, offers pretty amazing results very quickly.  I drink lots of water, and eat these products, and will do so until I've lost at least 100lbs.  They say I'll lose 3-5 lbs. a week, which sounds like a LOT to an old Weight Watchers girl like me - but the doctor will make sure I'm healthy every step of the way.


The journey actually started a month ago, when I first heard about the program from a work colleague.  I went to an information session armed with dozens of questions, and my fiancee in tow.  I asked my questions very carefully  (will my hair fall out?  will I grow a third eye?  will I have excessive gas?) and learned that it was a really doable program, and not crazy expensive.  And my doctor is with me every step of the way, so if any of those unfortunate things happen, he'll help.  There's also a team of people - dieticians, exercise specialists - to help on the way.


The thing that impressed me the most was the focus on maintenance - not just weight loss - that they had from the beginning.  That's what I'm all about - keeping it off, not just losing it.  I weigh in weekly, and go to a class.  Eventually, we add in an exercise program.  When I get to goal, we add food back in.  That's the whole idea.


So, I started on Tuesday, and drank my shakes (chocolate is great, lemon not so much) and ate my pudding (pretty good), and drank over 70 ounces of water.  I got to have coffee in the morning, and didn't really feel too much of a headache until late in the day.  I wasn't terribly hungry, either.  I felt full.


And this morning, something happened that's never happened before.  I woke up, stepped out of bed, and walked around in my bare feet.  Usually, I have to steady myself, because my legs are wobbly and sore, or my back isn't great - largely because of my weight, but also due to old injuries.  But not today.  I just walked right into the bathroom without feeling sore.


This is big.


So, let's see how it goes, shall we? 

The Crystal Light at the end of the tunnel

When I got home from work today, my sweet husband asked how my day was.  I was lamenting that today, day two of the Glee Diet (as we have come to call it - New Directions - get it?), I really missed flavors and food.  The smells coming from the breakroom at lunch were GLORIOUS and I only had chocolate pudding to eat.  I wanted something other than powdery flavor and water. 

I spent a fair amount of time today thinking about how lucky "eaters" are - they can have virtually ANYTHING they want for lunch or dinner, and I have only one choice really.  And, when I was an eater, I didn't really notice or celebrate the fact that I could have ANYTHING.  Oh, the squandered meals!  The quick lunches to Subway where I didn't even gush over the freshness of the bread or the crisp lettuce!  What have I been doing?

Then, my sweet husband said, "did you read the binder they gave you?  Maybe there's something in there that will help."  As usual, he was right.  (One of the many reasons I married him.)

I was thinking I could only drink water.  But, NO!  I have options!  Coffee (which I knew about) and tea, and the thing I've been dreaming about all day - CRYSTAL LIGHT.  The many flavors!  The fruity wonderfulness!  The variety!  The portability!  Drinking 64+ ounces of water a day will now be a veritable fiesta of flavors!  

It's a small victory, my friends - but it's important to remember this moment because the truth is this:  the grass is only greener over the septic tank.  Once I tire of Crystal Light, I'll be maudlin again, but for tonight, the promise of going to the grocery store and buying some fruity flavor has renewed my dedication in this process.

And, isn't that what it's really about?  Each day, we identify the thing that vexes us, and spend time trying to resolve it.  And, the work is worth it:  houses feel best after they've been dusted and scrubbed, eyebrows look superb when recently groomed, and babies are often most adorable when freshly bathed, smelling of powder, and sleeping sweetly.  

After the hard work, there is a result worth having.  There really IS light at the end of the tunnel, even if for today, it's only Crystal Light.