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To quote one of my favorite movies, "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around every once in awhile, you might miss it."  That, my friends, is how I feel about my life these days.


It's been just about a month since my last blog post, and life has definitely been busy.  Work has me hopping, family life is good but very busy, and the never ending search for some down time has continued in earnest.  Some nights, I'd think, "I need to update the blog."  And then, I'd find myself sucked into reading the Hunger Games, or spending some time with my hubby watching American Idol.  Even though the blog posts became less frequent, I have no regrets - life is busy, and should be lived.  Now, it's time to catch up.


I'm in week 43 of my diet, and here are my stats:


Week 1:    270 lbs.
Week 43:  193 lbs.


Total weight lost: 77 lbs.


The past few weeks have been slow going on the scale, but highly satisfying in the dressing room.

My dear friend Shaun is getting married in a few weeks, and I needed a couple of cute things to wear to the shin-dig.  So, I went shopping for some dresses.  Once at the store, I found that I was shopping in the regular size section - and fitting into XL dresses with ease.  Oh, the choices - so many more!  Beautiful prints and colors, nothing boxy or obviously trying to hide one's curves - it was HEAVEN.  I tried on at least 20 dresses - and at least 15 of them looked great!  I bought four, and even took a photo of myself in the dressing room and sent it to my Mom.  I felt GREAT... all at once, I felt sexy and girly and wonderful.  I even bought shoes to match, and came home glowing with excitement.


I wore the dress on the hanger in the picture to work on Monday, and got so many compliments, I felt like a rock star.  Everything from my newly found waist to my small ankles were discussed as I walked around the offices.  My weight loss (and my Spanx) had me feeling svelte and feminine.


With the weather changing, I'm not only ready to embrace wearing dresses in the balmier weather.  Shedding my heavy winter coat every day has revealed another amazing thing.  I've  become keenly aware of how far my belly has shrunken, especially when I'm driving.  When I sit in the car, my belly is so far away from the steering wheel, I could put a toddler in my lap without even honking the horn.  (Of course, I wouldn't - that would be unsafe and ridiculous... but still, can you say AMAZING?)


Over the coming weeks, I will be traveling by airplane a few times.  I know my new found body will be apparent when I'm sitting in the seat on the plane, and I'll once again fly in comfort and with a secret smile on my face that has nothing to do with upgrades or complimentary peanuts.  The travel will be a challenge when it comes to food - but I am still committed to being done with my reducing phase by the end of June, and starting my adapting and maintenance phases soon thereafter.  Because frankly, no cheeseburger will ever taste as good as being in those dresses feels.


This process takes time.  That's ok.  But the result is worth every minute of work and waiting.

Roller Coaster

Having worked for many years in a theme park, I am a very big fan of roller coasters.  They are thrilling, exciting and scary all at the sometime.  I love the big, steel coasters that have loops and corkscrew turns, that catapult you through the air.  But mostly, I love the feeling of being out of control, and yet, somehow know I'm going to survive it anyway.


The past few weeks have been a definite roller coaster.  I have weighed in a few times and gone both up and down.  I have had challenges with my weight loss.  I have celebrated some milestones.  I've even had a few moments of sobering realities for myself and others.  

In early February, I decided it was time to update my look.  I went to my hairdresser, and asked for a short haircut.  I felt like I had finally lost enough weight in my face and neck to go back to the shorter, sassier hair I had always loved.  She gave me a completely adorable cut that took pounds off my whole frame, and years off my look.  I shaved a good 20 minutes off my morning routine because there was so little hair to dry and style now, and have been loving it ever since.  


On February 24, I weighed in and reached a milestone.  I lost 4 pounds that week, and finally dipped below the 200 mark - I was 199.  I was ELATED, and felt like I was speeding through the corkscrews on a really fast roller coaster.  I haven't seen a 1 on the scale as my first number in years.  I could not have been happier!


After my great weigh-in, I flew to New York City for the National Art Educators Association National Convention.  I was so excited to see my friends and colleagues from around the globe, and to spend some time in my favorite city.  I was especially thrilled that my best friend, Lenny, was there - she's an art teacher, and so much fun... I couldn't wait to see her!  


I boarded my flight, and slid easily into my seat, rather than being wedged between the armrests.  I buckled my seat belt with no problem - and even had room to spare! - and didn't even begin to need a seat belt extender.  I grinned like a goofball the whole way to New York, because I was just regular sized now, not obese.  I was in a whole different group of travelers - I was no longer the one people sized-up at the gate while waiting, and thought to themselves, "I hope I don't have to sit beside her."

While in NYC, I knew I would eat more than I do at home, and probably go out of ketosis, and I made peace with that.  It was bittersweet, though, because I had just gotten under 200.  This, like the sickening feeling of going through the loop-de-loops, would be tougher to manage.  As I suspected, I had some New York favorites - food from a street vendor, amazing eggplant pizza - and I didn't regret a bit of it.  But, I also felt lousy when I got home - not emotionally lousy, but physically.  I had eaten more refined sugars and carbohydrates that week than in months, and it left me feeling a bit like a cinder block. 


The wonderful week came to an end, and Lenny and I headed back to LaGuardia.  At the airport, while checking in luggage, I noticed that one of her suitcases weighed nearly 70 lbs.  That's basically how much I've lost.  The gate agent told her she had to take 20 pounds out of it, or be charged an overage fee.  She immediately purged the bag and got it where it needed to be - and all I could think was that I'd lost as much as that suitcase.  And let me tell you, 70 lbs. is heavy.  I suddenly didn't feel so bad about the food I had eaten, because it could not negate my accomplishment.


I came home and weighed in again on Wednesday, March 7.  Driving to the doctor's office was like the long, slow crawl up the biggest hill on that roller coaster - agonizing, anxiety-inducing suspense.  I stepped on the scale, and as I suspected, I had gone up 2 pounds to 201.  (Insert interior screaming of both fear and terror!)  I was pretty sad, but quickly got over that - and decided that I'd get back on my program, and dip down again below 200 in no time. I had finally rolled into the station of the roller coaster ride, and I had actually survived.

Say cheese!

66 lbs. lost

Even though I've lost 66 pounds to date, I still hate having my picture taken.  I still dread seeing myself on film, and I probably always will.  Anytime you see me smiling on film, it's very possibly a forced smile, not a real one.  This is how all fat people feel about photographs, even if they say it isn't true.


I haven't posted photos in a long time for a few reasons:  
1.  I've been incredibly busy.
2.  I hate having my picture taken.
3.  I don't think the way I look has changed since the last set of photos, so I didn't see much point.


But, with all that being true, I realize that I'm not always right,and I don't always see what's really in front of me.  So today, I asked my sweet husband to take a few snaps - and here they are. 


I am not looking for sympathy or positive comments when I tell you that I dislike these photos intensely.  I simply dislike all photos of me, including these.


I can also say that they don't look that different from the last set to me - whether that's real or just what I see, it's my reality right now.


Additionally, I'm in weekend mode right now - which means I am not trying too hard with the way I look.  I've worked out and started laundry, but I sure haven't done much for my hair or makeup - because, well, it's Sunday - and I don't have to.


But sharing photos of the days I don't really try too hard is just as important as sharing the staged, prettier photos we all have taken from time to time - they are ALL of us, the real us, no matter what we think.  And dealing with that is part of this process.


A few things I know from these photographs - these are just some simple, cotton clothes, and they are not the most flattering in the world - that's why I just wear them around the house.  I could use some new bras, and will invest in them soon- because it is most certainly an investment.  I need some t-shirts that fit better, too.  I'm quite happy at how my legs are slimming down, though - and getting stronger, thanks to Zumba and walking a lot.  For those who remember that fateful day when I bought some pants in the regular size section for the first time - these are the very pants.  Nothing special, aside from the label that says XL (instead of 3X).


Seeing yourself in pictures is important - because it teaches you to see things more accurately, especially during a whole body makeover like mine.  While I still hate having my picture taken, I am glad I did it.

Weekly Weigh-In #25: My small, lovely life

My life is not perfect.  There are times when I dislike work, feel angry, and struggle with being depressed or deflated-feeling.  This is normal, natural, and everyone feels this.  But not today.  Today, while it's only half over, has been positively lovely.


I woke up at 7:30 this morning, opening my eyes to a lovely room filled with orange sunlight.  I was wrapped up in warm blankets, and the sheets were particularly soft and cozy against my skin.  


I came into the living room to find my sweet husband sitting on the love seat, playing solitaire in the quiet room.  The smell of coffee drew me into the kitchen, and after getting a cup of warm happiness and kissing my husband on the cheek, I sunk into my own spot on the couch and watched The Golden Girls for a bit while waking up.  We laughed at the girls as I drank my coffee and morning shake, and talked a bit about what kind of summer vacation we might want to take.  


Then, my sweet husband (who had been awake since 5am - always the early riser) went to lay down for his mid-morning nap/reading time, and I rolled up the carpet to make a space for Zumba.  I worked up a sweat and felt pretty good about my goofy, uncoordinated workout.  Then, I took a lovely, warm shower,trimmed my bangs, and settled back into my warm spot on the couch.  


This is nothing earth-shattering.  I did not find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, I didn't save a turtle trying to cross the road - I didn't even do anything "productive" like dusting or laundry.  But I have had a truly enchanting morning - it has been warm and cozy, pleasant and gentle.  


Part of why this has been such a lovely morning is undoubtedly the fact that I love my family and our home, and feel completely happy here.  Another part is that I always feel better after exercise.  But stranger still is the fact that so much of my contentment is directly tied to my healthier, smaller body - I am certain of it.  When you feel good, life looks a little better.  It seems easier - and certainly richer.  Even if mine is a small life, it's a very good one.  Part of this is because I'm making it good - better, even.  


This week, I weighed in.  Here are the results.


Starting weight - 270 lbs.
This week's weight - 204 lbs.
Pounds lost - 2 lbs.
Total pounds lost - 66 lbs.


Maybe the reason I think today is lovely is because this morning, I stepped on the scale and saw 202 - not an official weigh-in, but a good sign that on Tuesday, weigh-in day, things will be good.  I'm so close to breaking 200... another reason to be happy.


I also think that part of having a lovely life is recognizing that it's lovely - not just filled with strife, tiredness, or turmoil.  If you can't actually see how much you have, you'll never really enjoy it.  My life is small and imperfect, but lovely.


Whether it's the cozy warmth of a sunny winter Saturday, the endorphin rush of exercise, the sweet husband kisses, or the withering numbers on the scale, I am very happy with my small life today.  I hope yours is just as lovely.

Weekly Weigh-In #24: Renewals

When I was in high school, my parents decided to go to Hawaii for their 20th anniversary.  They sent my brother and I to stay with our grandparents in Florida, and off they went.  At the time, I thought 10 days in Florida sounded great, and didn't really care too much about the terribly romantic vacation my parents were embarking on.  As an adult, I can now appreciate how wonderful it must have been for them - my dad had a special ring made for my mom, and even pretended to find it in the sand and surf before giving it to her.  In their own way, they were celebrating 20 years of marriage, and renewing their vows for another 20... and beyond.


Wedding vows aren't the only ones that matter, or need renewal.  Renewing your dedication to someone or something is powerful stuff... and we do it, even without meaning to.  Every time I see my best friend, Lenny, it's like we're renewing our pact to stay close even when we're miles apart.  Whenever Paul walks past me, he quietly grabs my caboose and smiles at me - this, too, is a renewal of his vow to love me forever.  

Sometimes, renewing a commitment needs to be more obvious, and more public.  This week, I had one of those renewals, too.  I weighed in on January 17.  Here are the numbers.


Weight: 206
Pounds lost: 2lbs.
Total pounds lost: 63


After three weeks stuck at 208 lbs, I am thrilled to be losing again - and I want to keep it that way.  Luckily, it wasn't just a weigh-in, it was also my monthly visit with Elizabeth.  We talked a little about my goals for the second half of my reducing phase, which I am now squarely in.  This made me realize that I without some goals, I could just let this diet go on endlessly... and I don't want that.  Right then and there, I found myself renewing my dedication to the diet, because the goals we created are reachable, smart and pretty dang awesome.


My 2012 diet goals:


1. Complete the reducing phase of this diet by June.  This simple statement really means I am going to lose all 100 unwanted pounds by June - that's 37 more lbs. to go, in 4 months.  I have averaged about 10 pounds per month all along, so it's realistic, but I am going to have to push myself to stay on that track.


2. After reducing is done, begin the adapting phase, where food gets reintroduced into my daily diet, in June/July. Most people do this over 6 weeks, but I may take longer since I will have been in the reducing phase for nearly a year.  We talked about taking 6 weeks to introduce one meal (with 2 shakes) per day, and then 6 weeks of 2 meals (with 1 shake) per day.  That puts the adapting phase through the whole summer, done around August.


3. Begin the maintenance phase by September 1, and stay with it at least a year.  This means continuing to visit the office once every other week, and maintaining my weight loss for at least one year.  I can continue having one shake a day, and they have high protein snacks I can add - and classes I must attend.  This is why I like this program so much - they have a real commitment to making sure I don't immediately pack the pounds back on, and let me say - I need this.


Along with these food goals, I have begun doing more exercise - I've added Zumba to my routine (and THAT hot mess is a whole other blog...) and will continue doing that for awhile, until it's time to target certain areas at the gym (around summer).  Fitness goals will be another blog, for I haven't really fleshed them out as thoroughly.


If I can reach all these goals, the following glorious moments will happen:

• On our anniversary in June, I will weigh 170 pounds, exactly 100 pounds less than on my wedding day.
• For our anniversary, I will be able to have a celebratory meal with my husband, that's totally within the rules.
• By my 40th birthday in August, I'll be moving into maintenance.  How's that for irony?
• By Christmas, when our family heads to Hawaii for an incredible holiday vacation, I will be a bonafide hottie, and strong enough to hike Diamond Head and Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, surf in Waikiki, and play with my son and niece all day long on the beach, without being too pooped to hula at day's end.

So, that's the plan.  And I'm pretty sure I can do it.  

Uh-oh... Plateau!

This morning, I realized that my last blog entry was on Christmas Eve, and it's been awhile since I had a chance to write.  That was week #20 of my diet, and I was at 208 pounds, having lost 61 pounds since beginning.  In weeks  #21, 22, and 23, I weighed in, but have stayed at the same weight - 208 pounds.  I have hit a plateau.  


Coincidence?  No.


I know that to stay the same weight during the holidays is a good thing - I ate some foods along with my shakes, including a few sugar-free cookies - and managed to do enough activity that the holidays didn't add inches or pounds to my frame.  That's good.


However, I am relatively sure that the past few weeks, I haven't been as committed to the diet as I was in weeks 1-20, including making time for exercise, drinking water, and blogging at least once or twice a week.  My energy has been good, but my walking hasn't been as consistent.  And I think it's all related. 

I know myself pretty well after 39 years of living with me.  I know that unless I make something a priority, I will gently let it slip away and make excuses later.  I've started dozens of paintings and not finished them.  I have many half-started knitting projects and books that I got about 3/4 of the way through.  So, being fully committed to this diet is key for my success.  I know it works (I look great so far!) and I know I can do it - and now, it's time to recommit for the last half of the process, and get the reducing phase done... and I have many reasons why.


Reason #1:  Every week I stay the same, that's another week of delaying the end of the reducing phase.  I am motivated to be done with this phase by June 1, so that I can begin building a summer wardrobe of clothes I'll be fitting into for a long time.


Reason #2:  Every month I am on the diet, I pay a fee for the services.  Essentially, I'm cheap, and would like to stop spending that money every month on the diet plan and start putting it into savings.


Reason #3:  I'm suspicious that my ability to keep eating shakes and puddings all day long will begin to wane if I go past the one year mark.  I started this in late June of 2011, and would like to be done the reducing phase under one year from that time.


Reason #4:  I know the adjusting and maintaining phases will come with their own challenges, as I begin to reintroduce the right foods into my diet.  I'd love for that to be happening over the summer, so our whole family can align their eating in a healthy way.  Since the boys are off summers, it might make that process easier.

Reason #5:  Our family will be spending next Christmas in Hawaii.  I want to look amazing in shorts, bathing suits, and Hawaiian dresses on that trip.  So, finishing reducing and having a good 6 months of maintaining the weight loss under my belt will make vacation food and pina coladas much easier to handle on the trip.


I have noticed that while my weight has plateaued, the shape of my body is still changing.  For instance, the part of my belly that's near my belly button is getting smaller, but the upper part of my stomach is not.  My upper arms are still flabby.  My face and neck are slimming down great, and my hips and backside are whittling away from all the walking I do.  Because of these discoveries, today I'm starting something new in my exercise routine - Zumba.  For Christmas, I received the DVD's to get started, and I'm going to try it out today.  I'm pretty excited, as I hear it's lots of fun - but I've never been able to make a class with my schedule.  So, the DVD's are a great start.  Hopefully that will help my muffin-top and chicken-wing arms.


Plateaus feel awful for awhile, but they aren't terrible things.  They happen - and then, you get re-motivated.  For me, it's time to get back to losing weight, and get rid of these last 39 pounds.  I'm so ready to do this.

Cookie Monster

The holidays are filled with so many great ways to celebrate - lights outlining houses, wreaths on doors, and mistletoe dangling above the heads of those who want to smooch are some of my favorites.  Perhaps the most delicious holiday tradition for most who celebrate Christmas is the making and sharing of cookies.  I have seen some truly amazing cookies in the past few years - gingerbread men who look perfectly iced, light-as-air pizzelles, and even a few extraordinary Star Wars shaped cookies made with love by a true fan.  They are all a symbol of the season, and after they're made, become yummy gifts for friends and family.

Last night, my parents arrived for the holiday weekend, and with them came the usual suspects:  sugar cookies shaped like pink pointsettias and green trees, pizzelles, pumpkin bread, and the mother of all cookies - my mom's "chocolate chippers."  I have been eating these cookies for nearly 40 years, every single Christmas of my life.  I know exactly how much dough went into the cookie shooter for those pointsettias.  I can almost smell the waffle iron as it heats up for the pizzelles.  And those chocolate chip cookies - my favorite - replace sugar plums in all my dreams.  I love these cookies.

When the cookies arrived in my house yesterday, I did something I have never done before.  I pretended they were not there.  I just acted casual when I walked past the boxes and bowls where they quietly waited... I didn't make eye contact, didn't pop open the lid to see which ones are inside, and didn't even ask about them.  (I didn't have to - I knew exactly what was going on.)  I found other things to look at, talk about, and focus on - all the while, those little lumps of perfection waiting in the corner for someone to take a bite.  It just about killed me.

After we had prepared the turkey and stuffing for tomorrow (and by we, I mean my Mom and my sweet husband - I did nothing), eaten dinner (pizza for them, a shake for me), and introduced my parents to the magic that is Mexican Train Dominoes, my parents went back to their hotel, and I went into the kitchen to wash out the coffee pot and wipe down the counters.  And there they were - two round cookie tins (plastic, but still...) and one box.  I was alone with the cookies.  I knew this is where it was goin' down.

Immediately, I started hearing the music from West Side Story in my head... there was going to be a showdown the likes of the Sharks and the Jets, but with less dancing.  I just stared at the tins and the box, remembering that the pizzelles needed to have their foil taken off so they could breathe a bit... and I had to do it before I went to bed.  I opened the box, and the smell of the almond extract immediately crawled up my face.  Oh, sweet baby Jesus.  So good.  I unwrapped the foil, and found that they were already neatly wrapped in wax paper underneath.  I was SAVED - I did not have to actually touch the pizzelles, and therefore, they were safe - and so was my blood sugar.  I quickly put them in a tall container, still wrapped, and shoved it back under the cabinets - in the space that's dark and not so obvious to my now cookie-obsessed brain.  Knowing my willpower was weakened, I took a wooden spoon out of the drawer and pushed the two plastic cookie tins back under the counters as well, into the dark space beside the pizzelles - I guess just touching the plastic would have been too much for me at that point, and the wooden spoon somehow was safer.  

Then, I just stood there, staring at them.  Three closed containers of cookies that I could not actually see, smell or taste were lurking there in the shadows, and I desperately wanted one.  I could hear the angel on my left shoulder saying "you're doing so well on your diet, Niki - don't ruin all that hard work and progress over a cookie."  Meanwhile, the devil on my right side was countering with "oh, go ahead.  It's only once a year - and it's only one cookie."  All this, peppered with West Side Story-esque snapping and a few "pows!" and   "pops!" zipping through my mind - it was too much.  I had to leave the kitchen.

When I finally went into the bedroom to change into my jammies, I was exhausted and had little beads of sweat along my hairline.  How did that happen?  Why did the mere thought of cookies get to me so?  And how would I make it through the next few days when the cookies were actually OUT ON A PLATE?

So here's what I've decided.  While my goal is NOT to eat any cookies this week, if I slip up and have a cookie, I will not beat myself up about it - I'll be rational about the whole thing.  I just have to take it as it comes.  Because, like the Cookie Monster, I will always, always love chocolate chip cookies - especially my Mom's - and that's just how it is.