Crazy. Stop.

I feel crazy today.  All-over-the-place nuts.  And it's making me want to eat - like, Golden Corral buffet sized eat.  And I want it to stop.


Work is incredibly busy and stressful right now.  This past week was so off-the-charts crazy, even Miss Patsy would have sung about it.  We are building a new museum, and it opens in less than 11 weeks... so, by definition, it's tense and very stressful around the water cooler.  Add to that the pressure of building our budgets for next year, and you have a whole new level of drama.  I'm feeling it, others are feeling it, and we're all feeding on each other's crazy.  Makes me want a cheeseburger, and I want it to stop.


Even though I've spent a large chunk of the weekend trying to get caught up at work, I thought I should take time for myself - you know, trying to combat the crazy.  I got on my home scale in the morning, and it was at 238 - how great!  That's 4 lbs less than my weigh in!  YES!  I got dressed and headed out to get a haircut.  After that, I took my wedding rings to be sized and welded together at the jeweler.  I've lost so much weight, I am now a whole size smaller in my fingers.  Who knew?  That's a reason to celebrate, my friends!  I then went to the store to find some clothes that fit me a little better, as I'm also too small for my outfits.  I have officially gone from a 3X to a 2X in most tops, and 1X in some others.  AMAZING.  I only bought a couple, knowing that I'd be in them briefly... but it felt great to need them!   What a great day so far - I felt practically invisible I was getting so thin!  Please, never let this feeling stop!


I got home and spent some time with my guys.  The boy had plans that evening, so Paul and I took it as a chance for a date.  We dropped him off, and went to get dinner.  I was STARVING, thanks to the heat (and I mean physically hungry - growling tummy and all) so I ordered a salad with grilled chicken on top.  Unfortunately, it came with unexpected extras: mozzarella - and it was fried - and I should have not eaten it, but I totally did.  After finishing, I felt like a total failure - why could I not resist that damn mozzarella?  Made me want to scream, and crazy embarrassed that I couldn't stop.

When we got home, I weighed myself.  After all the water I drank, and the evil fried mozzarella chunks, I was back up to 241.  ARE YOU KIDDING?  How could I gain 3 lbs. in just 4 hours?  All my great stuff from earlier in the day was gone, and I just wanted to eat everything in the pantry.  I felt so crazy, I really began to question whether or not those shirts I bought that morning would even fit.  Made me want to quit this crazy diet all together - to just stop.


I woke up today feeling exhausted, uninspired, and still crazy.  My life kicked my ass yesterday - going from lousy to great and back again is crazy exhausting.  I came out into the kitchen and had a cup of coffee, and drank a ton of water.  I made my pudding and ate it down, even though it was so runny I had to drink it.  (Note to self, don't use lukewarm water on the pudding - only cold.)  We started the laundry and I did some ironing.  I then did some work, and read some emails.  And I still wanted to eat everything on earth.  I was still hungry - really, physically hungry - and wanted more than a shake.  When is this craziness going to stop?


I fear that it won't.  I fear that this conflict will only get worse as time goes on.  In a few weeks, we are going to a wedding.  Today, I'm not excited or looking forward to family and fellowship - all I can think of is that not only will it be a road trip to get there, but once we arrive, there will be food and cake at every turn.  Several weeks after that, the museum will open and there will be lots of food at the events - food that's both pretty and tasty.  Am I excited about this today?  Nope.  Only fixating on the food.  And then there will be vacations.  And Thanksgiving.  And Christmas Cookies.  And it will never stop.  And I can't think about how great all of that will be today - I can only think of the food.  And that's completely crazy.

As crazy as it is, I realize I have to stop.  Stop taking life in big chunks - whole weekends, events that don't happen for weeks or months - and just deal with today.  Stop pretending I'll never eat again, and realize that I have to do this one meal at a time.  Stop making food the most important thing in every event, and just breathe for a second.  It's so much easier said than done... we all know this.  But somehow, I have to find a way to make the crazy stop.