Get busy livin'

Weekly Weigh In:

Current weight - 177 lbs.

Starting weight - 269 lbs.

Pounds lost - 92

Sometimes, the best movies are both inspiring and difficult to watch.  They can include characters that are both kind and ruthless, sweet and mean, funny and introspective.  One of my very favorite movies is in this category - The Shawshank Redemption.  Oh, it's so good!  I have seen it forty-kazillion times, mostly on TBS with commercials, but it never loses its appeal for me.  Mostly, I love that it is a story about hope... and that if you keep hope alive, even the most grueling tasks can be overcome.

When I started this diet, I my goal was to lose 100 pounds.  A grueling task, no doubt.  I have always hoped I would make it.  But, if I'm being honest, I'll tell you a secret here - I have never actually thought I'd lose all 100 pounds.  I've been dieting for 20 years, and I've never, ever achieved my weight loss goals in that time... so,why would it work THIS time?  I now realize that part of me has always thought I'd eventually give up, fail, or abandon this effort.

If we're being honest, we'll now call out this truth - I have tried to sabotage myself.  How?  Well, blogging is one area - or, the lack of blogging - this, my friends, is part of that abandonment.  I can give you lots of excuses (I'm busy!  I don't have anything to say!  Nobody reads it anyhow!) but they're all just dumb.  I've also tried to sabotage myself with food - I've snacked a bit more lately, keeping me around the same weight for a few weeks.  I'm delaying reaching that goal weight - why?  Because I'm scared.  

So, my question today is this: WHAT AM I SCARED OF, REALLY?  Isn't this what I've wanted for years?  Dreamed about, even?  Why would I be scared of actually getting there?

Because then, I have to STAY there.  Or, simply put, NOT GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK.  The horror of this statement is incredible, because while I have no experience losing weight until now, I have even LESS experience keeping it off.

Add to this one major element - I lost weight by NOT eating food.  And now, as I reach my goal weight, I'm going to have to start thinking about food again - the RIGHT food - and be active, make good choices, and all that stuff.  And clearly, this is not a skill set I naturally possess.  Is it any wonder that just typing this makes me hyperventilate?

The hilarious thing is this - none of my sabotages have worked, and I'm now less than 10 pounds from my goal weight.  And that means it's time to move to the next level - FOOD.  Last week, my trusted nutritionist sat me down to talk about this very thing.  I knew this was the trajectory - they told me at the beginning you start with "reducing" and then move into "adapting," and then on to "maintaining."  I knew it.  But I was not prepared for my response to the transition.  Kind and gentle Casey sat with me for an hour, going over paperwork and documents about meal planning, transitioning from shakes and pudding back to real food, and the meal exchanges that would need consideration.  We talked about iPhone apps like myfitnesspal and how to track what I'm doing so I don't misstep.  We discussed when adapting would start, what to expect, and all the surrounding details.  I listened carefully, even offered some intelligent comments - and left feeling like a dumptruck just slammed into me.  The truth was hard: soon, I would have to start thinking about food again.  For the rest of that day, all I could think was that clearly, I cannot be trusted with food - look at the mess I made of it before? - and this would never, ever work.

The discussion was several days ago, and I still haven't really read the documents she gave me.  After all, I still have about 8 pounds before I reach my goal - and it can wait, right?  Well, Casey is a genius - and has done this before, clearly - because she KNEW it would happen to me this way.  She knew I'd be in a bit of denial and totally afraid of eating again and gaining back all 100 pounds in the very first week.  (She also knew this because it's happened to pretty much everyone who has been successful on New Directions.)  That's why she gave me the papers early.  So I could freak out, make wild overstatements and have my moment of panic.  And then, in time, read the information and actually continue succeeding.  Like I said, she's a genius.

The food issue is only half of what freaks me out.  The other half is this - what does life look like when I actually am a person who has lost 100 pounds?  Real life?  Daily, normal, non-extraordinary life?  In my head, I've dreamed about what being thinner and healthier would mean, but I've never really considered what my life would look like if that happened - because, as I said, I never thought it would.  So, now I must consider it - what does it mean to be healthy and normal-sized?  So far, I can say that it means lots of small things - my belly doesn't touch the steering wheel of the car anymore.  I don't need catalogs for "plus sized" ladies.  My belly button isn't a cavern of mysteries - it's just a regular innie.  My suitcases got smaller because my clothes are smaller.  My husband weighs more than I do.  Along with those little things, there's this one big thing that looms - I have to ALWAYS think about what I'm eating and doing, or I'll surely sabotage myself.  This is a daunting, exhausting statement - the kind that used to drive me straight for the Oreos.  But not now.  No Oreos.  It's ok to be exhausted by this thought - I just have to find new ways of processing the thought.  And I am.

Maybe I'm like some of the men in The Shawshank Redemption... like Brooks.  I always feel so bad when Brooks leaves the prison and can't survive on the outside.  Red explains it so well - he was institutionalized, and when given a new reality, couldn't adapt.  Maybe that's what's going on for me.  For over a year now, I've disregarded food completely.  I've dreamed of it - missed it - even coveted other people's delicious meals and stared at them with longing and disdain as they ate.  (Sorry about that, by the way.)  But, shakes and pudding are all I've known.  Now, like Brooks, I'm approaching the halfway house of my diet - the adapting phase - and it's pretty scary.  He didn't know how to deal with it.  I'm not sure I will, either.  I'd like to handle it the way Red does - using the time at the halfway house to reflect and remember, plan for the future, and make my way to the ocean.  To get busy livin' this new life I've created - even if I never thought it would happen.

Happy Diet-versary!

Today is my one year diet-versary.  On June 27, 2011, I started my New Directions diet journey.  Rather than celebrate with a big piece of cake (which is what I really want, to be honest), I decided that a celebratory blog post was in order.


Even though I did not lose all 100 pounds in one year (my original goal), I think this has been an incredibly successful journey.  That success, as many of you know, has been measured in lots of different ways.  So, my anniversary blog post should acknowledge all those ways that I've measured success.  


Success measurement #1: The stats:
Tracking my weight and measurements has been very useful for me.  Even when I didn't lose weight from week to week, staying focused on this kind of measurement was quite a motivator for me.


Weight:

Starting weight: 270 lbs.

One year anniversary weight: 185 lbs.

Measurements:

Starting Bust: 52 inches

One year anniversary Bust: 44 inches

Starting Waist: 48.5 inches

One year anniversary Waist: 41 inches

Starting Hips: 55 inches

One year anniversary Hips: 47 inches

Starting Neck: 16.5 inches

One year anniversary Neck: 13 3/4 inches

Starting Thigh: 28 inches

One year anniversary Thigh: 23 inches

Starting Upper Arm: 16.5 inches

One year anniversary Arm: 13.5 inches

Total pounds lost: 85 lbs.
Total inches lost: Over 34 inches.


On Friday, I'll get more stats, and maybe some BMI numbers - so I'll post them at that time.


Success measurement #2: Photos
When the numbers on the scale seemed out of sync with how my body felt, I often turned to photos.  They helped me see my progress, in a way that was not possible every day in the mirror.  The photos were hugely important in my journey, and I'm glad we took so many.


Comparing the beginning of the process with where I am today is also pretty amazing.  Check it out.

Starting pictures:

Our wedding day, two weeks before the diet began (June 11, 2011)

One year anniversary pictures:

Yesterday (June 26, 2012)

(Taken with my iPhone, so they're fuzzy and low resolution.)

Facial view:

  

Front view:

  

Side view:

  

This particular exercise is somewhat staggering.  Seeing these images, side by side, explains why so many people don't recognize me anymore.  They need a minute, and then they realize it's me.  This is happening with everyone - not just people who haven't seen me in a year, either.  My sweet husband confessed on our wedding anniversary that I no longer look like the girl he married - and sometimes, he looks over at me, and it takes him a minute to process how much I've changed.  Even my co-workers have made similar statements, and they see me every day.  If I had any concerns that I could re-make my body, they are now at rest.


Success measurement #3:  Clothes


One of my goals at the beginning of this was to be in regular sizes at the end of one year - and leave the plus sizes behind.  Well, here are the stats:

Starting clothes size:

3X or 4X (Plus Size 24/26 or 28/30)

One year anniversary clothes size:

L or XL (Regular size 14/16 or 16/18)

This is big.  Or, really, it's small.  I no longer shop in the plus size section, and actually have clothes that fit me and are somewhat flattering.  I have donated over a dozen bags of clothes to charities as I've gone down in sizes, except one pair of pants that I've kept as a reminder.  My attitude towards clothes has completely changed, and I find myself loving dresses and cute shoes more than ever.  I really look forward to the day when I'm at a size I will maintain, rather than breeze through, so I can have the fun of creating a wardrobe filled with colorful, fun clothes.


Success measurement #4: Moments of Unexpected Wonderfulness


Most surprisingly, this year has been full of unexpected surprises... things I didn't know would be markers of my success, but turned out to be the best things of all.  Some of my favorites are still very simple things: crossing my legs on an airplane, feeling energetic while swimming on vacation, allowing my photograph to be taken in a bathing suit... each one somewhat intangible, but to me, incredibly real.  One of the very best unexpected surprises happened just 3 days ago, and it was a WHOPPER.


Sunday afternoon, Max was packing his stuff before heading out of town on a trip with his school theatre company.  Their play, The Trojan Women, went to the state competition earlier this year, and won high enough marks to be invited to compete at the National Thespian Competition in Nebraska.  This was huge for Max, as this was his first play!  His excitement has not waned in the past few months, so he was particularly thrilled to finally be getting ready to go.  As he was packing, he proudly showed me the custom made duffle bags and hoodies that each student got for the trip.  His name was embroidered on the front, along with the theatre company's logo.  I mentioned that his hoodie reminded me of my old high school jacket, complete with my junior varsity and varsity letters on it, patches from competitions, and my name - just like Max's.  While my letters were for tennis and marching band, not theatre, I completely connected the two - and in that moment, fully appreciated how excited Max was about his trip and competition.  I remembered that feeling so well - I loved band competitions, and could completely relate. 


Then, I turned to my sweet husband and said, "My jacket is 22 years old now... amazing how time flies."  And then, I had a revelation - that jacket just might fit me again.  


I could not wait one second more.  I sprang up from my chair and ran to my closet.  I reached into the back of the darkest corner, and pulled out the red corduroy letterman's jacket.  Holy cow - it was a size L.  Would it fit?  


I yanked it off the hanger, and even though it was 101-degrees outside, slid my arms into the jacket I had once loved, but forgotten about for decades.  And then, I snapped it shut.  All the snaps.  It fit.  For the first time in 22 years, I was wearing my high school jacket - which means that I was back to my high school size once more.


I nearly fell over from surprise and excitement.  


I ran out into the living room and showed my boys, and they both smiled SO big...  This was a big moment, and they knew it.  And, like most of these surprise moments, I couldn't have planned for it at all.  


Instead of feeling sad that I didn't lose all 100 pounds in a year, my moment with my high school jacket has given me the ability to see all the good that's happened.  I was honestly worried that I'd beat myself up about the goal not being reached - but then, life continues to give me what I need at every juncture.  Sometimes I think I'm just lucky - and then, sometimes I think that these moments are actually there for us all.  The trick is that you have to LOOK for them - really look - and then they become real.


This has been one heck of a year.  I got married, became a stepmom, opened a new museum, traveled to some really cool places, and made lots of art.  I also lost 85 pounds and over 34 inches, and made my health a priority for the first time in a long time.  So, happy diet-versary to me, my wonderful family, and everyone who has taken this journey with me.


Now, really, let's go get that cake.

Vacation Success

Usually, when I go on vacation, I worry about going off my diet.  With this particular program, I was double worried - both because of the restrictive nature of my eating and all my Florida food triggers.  So, like a prize fighter before a big match, about two weeks ago, I started thinking seriously about how to do this "vacation thing" without gaining a ton of weight.  And, as with all successes in life, it was all about the planning.


Planning happens for every vacation - flights, cars, hotels - but my planning went further.  I had to get enough product for two weeks, and make sure I knew where I'd be at those mealtimes.  I had to buy clothes for the trip - I had NOTHING that fit me for warm weather.  I shopped for a swimsuit (less painful than I remember!) and shorts, and some lightweight cotton dresses.  Every one of those things was found in the regular clothes section - size XL, 16 or 18. (WOOT!)


Before we arrived, Mom was planning for food, too.  She asked about foods for me and the guys - she wanted to have all our standard fare in the house, especially since the kiddo is still rather limited in what he eats.  I emailed her a list, and she stocked the house with their favorites.  She made sure I had what I needed, too - which was mainly just Crystal Light and lots of water.


On the plane, we slid into our seats and buckled up.  Click!  No extender needed.  I even had to tighten it significantly.  (Can this really be me?)  Then, something truly miraculous happened - I CROSSED MY LEGS.  ON AN AIRPLANE.  Right there - in that moment - I knew vacation would be different this time.  I grinned for 2 hours.


As we drove in from the airport to my parent's house, I was pointing out the window at places I love.  At least 8 times, I heard myself say to my sweet husband, "Oh, I love the food there - it's so good!" or "They have the best salad bar ever!"  Only then did I realize that far too much of my Florida happiness involved food - Five Guys, Sweet Tomatoes, Publix Subs, Mickey Mouse ice cream bars - the list goes on and on.  This was a major realization for me, and I made a mental note to hold onto this the entire time we were there.  My eating life has really changed.


The first two days were easy - we mostly stayed at the house and swam in the pool.  I had three products a day, and felt good about all the water I was drinking.  Max and I played for hours in the water, with me treading water in the deep end for extended amounts of time while throwing a football.  I was in a bathing suit and cotton dresses practically the whole time, which kept me aware of my success - and helped me stay on track.

Mom, Max, Me (and my fanny pack),
Kyle and Rachel.

Monday, we went to Islands of Adventure, to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I put on my t-shirt and shorts, and felt better in these clothes than I had in YEARS.  I literally have no memories of living in Florida that aren't accompanied by feeling huge and out of shape, so this was a very big deal.  I knew I would sweat (it IS Florida, after all...) but I also knew that I'd be sweating because of the humidity and pummeling heat - not because I was morbidly obese anymore.  I asked my parents for a fanny pack to borrow for the day, since I was always too fat to have one of my own.  When they brought me one, not only did it fit, but I had to TIGHTEN it.  Amazing.


That day, I had two packets of product with me, and was ready to stay on track - which I totally did.  I drank gallons of water (thanks to the brutal heat), and at lunchtime while everyone else had burgers and chicken sandwiches in Jurassic Park, I had a shake.  The diet didn't prevent me from trying a sip of Pumpkin Juice and Butterbeer, but I only needed a taste - not a whole, sugary cup.  (After all, I don't get into Hogsmeade that often.)  I learned a great trick that day, too - I didn't carry my plastic cup for mixing my shakes with me (they get smelly in the heat if they're not washed right away).  I got an empty paper cup and lid, and bottle of cold water, and I made my shakes with ease.  By dinner, we were home and I had successfully stayed on track with all three products that day.  

I have never allowed a photo of
me in a bathing suit before. I
know it's far away and fuzzy, but
it's proof that I wore one.

Tuesday and Thursday were beach days - first at Cocoa Beach, and second at Siesta Beach.  On these days, it was also very easy to stay on track with my products.  I drank lots of water, and felt pretty satisfied.  It also felt GREAT to lay on the beach in my swimsuit, which is something I have NEVER experienced before.  I no longer felt embarrassed, or like I should hide under a long t-shirt - I felt like a totally regular person.  For many fat people, just feeling regular is a big, big deal - including me.  


On Tuesday night, we went to our family's favorite restaurant, La Forchetta, and I had eggplant.  The food there is phenomenal, so I was not going to miss it!  The owners of the restaurant are like family to us, and it was wonderful to see them, and share this place with my hubby and kiddo.  I resisted their bread and pasta like a champ, and enjoyed the meal immensely.  This has become one of my unspoken rules of dieting - if you are faced with food that's amazing, but that you don't get to eat often, you need to eat some of it and enjoy it.  I haven't had La Forchetta's delicious food in years, and it will likely be years before I get it again - so I went for it.  I'm thrilled that I did.


Wednesday we were at the Magic Kingdom, and got soaked!  It rained from Wednesday through the end of the week, but that didn't stop us from venturing out and doing things - nor did it stop me from staying on track.  My only variance: a hot dog on Main Street.  There's one thing I know - in the heat, you have to make sure you have fuel, or your body gets achy and you get crabby-face.  (Ever seen those folks?  Not attractive.)  I had already consumed all my products, but was feeling hungry and a bit weak, so I ate a hot dog.  It kept my crabby-face at bay, and we had a great time.


Friday we traveled home, relaxed, tired and with a little pink in our cheeks.  Again, I had all three products and lots of water.  Sitting in the airport waiting to board our plane, I felt particularly great as the boys had a burger and I had my pudding - I had actually done it.  I had dieted my way through vacation, and it was still awesome.


Before we left, my last weigh in had me at 191 lbs.  Yesterday morning, I got on my scale at home, and it said 188 lbs.  This may be the first time in the history of humankind that someone actually lost weight on vacation.  I don't officially weigh in until this coming Friday, but for now, I am feeling pretty invincible.


This was also the jump start I needed to get through the last leg of the reducing phase on my diet.  Originally, I had hoped to be at my goal weight by June 1, but I'm not quite there yet.  This kind of triumph just means there is absolutely no reason I can't shed these last 20-ish pounds and arrive at my goal weight.  That's kind of a big deal for me, too - because even though I've lost a whole bunch of weight already, actually reaching my goal is still not something I am taking for granted.  I still sometimes wonder if I'll make it all the way to 100 pounds.  But, after this week, I have renewed hope.


If we had chosen to vacation somewhere else - somewhere that didn't involve tons of walking, lots of sweating, gallons of water-drinking, and multiple days in bathing suits and shorts - this may have been a very different blog entry.  If we had gone to a place where there were no friends or family members telling me how great I look, and being so encouraging about my diet, I may have gained a few pounds.  Thanks to the planning, support, and climate, the vacation was a success, from beginning to end.

Back to the Blog

To quote one of my favorite movies, "Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around every once in awhile, you might miss it."  That, my friends, is how I feel about my life these days.


It's been just about a month since my last blog post, and life has definitely been busy.  Work has me hopping, family life is good but very busy, and the never ending search for some down time has continued in earnest.  Some nights, I'd think, "I need to update the blog."  And then, I'd find myself sucked into reading the Hunger Games, or spending some time with my hubby watching American Idol.  Even though the blog posts became less frequent, I have no regrets - life is busy, and should be lived.  Now, it's time to catch up.


I'm in week 43 of my diet, and here are my stats:


Week 1:    270 lbs.
Week 43:  193 lbs.


Total weight lost: 77 lbs.


The past few weeks have been slow going on the scale, but highly satisfying in the dressing room.

My dear friend Shaun is getting married in a few weeks, and I needed a couple of cute things to wear to the shin-dig.  So, I went shopping for some dresses.  Once at the store, I found that I was shopping in the regular size section - and fitting into XL dresses with ease.  Oh, the choices - so many more!  Beautiful prints and colors, nothing boxy or obviously trying to hide one's curves - it was HEAVEN.  I tried on at least 20 dresses - and at least 15 of them looked great!  I bought four, and even took a photo of myself in the dressing room and sent it to my Mom.  I felt GREAT... all at once, I felt sexy and girly and wonderful.  I even bought shoes to match, and came home glowing with excitement.


I wore the dress on the hanger in the picture to work on Monday, and got so many compliments, I felt like a rock star.  Everything from my newly found waist to my small ankles were discussed as I walked around the offices.  My weight loss (and my Spanx) had me feeling svelte and feminine.


With the weather changing, I'm not only ready to embrace wearing dresses in the balmier weather.  Shedding my heavy winter coat every day has revealed another amazing thing.  I've  become keenly aware of how far my belly has shrunken, especially when I'm driving.  When I sit in the car, my belly is so far away from the steering wheel, I could put a toddler in my lap without even honking the horn.  (Of course, I wouldn't - that would be unsafe and ridiculous... but still, can you say AMAZING?)


Over the coming weeks, I will be traveling by airplane a few times.  I know my new found body will be apparent when I'm sitting in the seat on the plane, and I'll once again fly in comfort and with a secret smile on my face that has nothing to do with upgrades or complimentary peanuts.  The travel will be a challenge when it comes to food - but I am still committed to being done with my reducing phase by the end of June, and starting my adapting and maintenance phases soon thereafter.  Because frankly, no cheeseburger will ever taste as good as being in those dresses feels.


This process takes time.  That's ok.  But the result is worth every minute of work and waiting.

Roller Coaster

Having worked for many years in a theme park, I am a very big fan of roller coasters.  They are thrilling, exciting and scary all at the sometime.  I love the big, steel coasters that have loops and corkscrew turns, that catapult you through the air.  But mostly, I love the feeling of being out of control, and yet, somehow know I'm going to survive it anyway.


The past few weeks have been a definite roller coaster.  I have weighed in a few times and gone both up and down.  I have had challenges with my weight loss.  I have celebrated some milestones.  I've even had a few moments of sobering realities for myself and others.  

In early February, I decided it was time to update my look.  I went to my hairdresser, and asked for a short haircut.  I felt like I had finally lost enough weight in my face and neck to go back to the shorter, sassier hair I had always loved.  She gave me a completely adorable cut that took pounds off my whole frame, and years off my look.  I shaved a good 20 minutes off my morning routine because there was so little hair to dry and style now, and have been loving it ever since.  


On February 24, I weighed in and reached a milestone.  I lost 4 pounds that week, and finally dipped below the 200 mark - I was 199.  I was ELATED, and felt like I was speeding through the corkscrews on a really fast roller coaster.  I haven't seen a 1 on the scale as my first number in years.  I could not have been happier!


After my great weigh-in, I flew to New York City for the National Art Educators Association National Convention.  I was so excited to see my friends and colleagues from around the globe, and to spend some time in my favorite city.  I was especially thrilled that my best friend, Lenny, was there - she's an art teacher, and so much fun... I couldn't wait to see her!  


I boarded my flight, and slid easily into my seat, rather than being wedged between the armrests.  I buckled my seat belt with no problem - and even had room to spare! - and didn't even begin to need a seat belt extender.  I grinned like a goofball the whole way to New York, because I was just regular sized now, not obese.  I was in a whole different group of travelers - I was no longer the one people sized-up at the gate while waiting, and thought to themselves, "I hope I don't have to sit beside her."

While in NYC, I knew I would eat more than I do at home, and probably go out of ketosis, and I made peace with that.  It was bittersweet, though, because I had just gotten under 200.  This, like the sickening feeling of going through the loop-de-loops, would be tougher to manage.  As I suspected, I had some New York favorites - food from a street vendor, amazing eggplant pizza - and I didn't regret a bit of it.  But, I also felt lousy when I got home - not emotionally lousy, but physically.  I had eaten more refined sugars and carbohydrates that week than in months, and it left me feeling a bit like a cinder block. 


The wonderful week came to an end, and Lenny and I headed back to LaGuardia.  At the airport, while checking in luggage, I noticed that one of her suitcases weighed nearly 70 lbs.  That's basically how much I've lost.  The gate agent told her she had to take 20 pounds out of it, or be charged an overage fee.  She immediately purged the bag and got it where it needed to be - and all I could think was that I'd lost as much as that suitcase.  And let me tell you, 70 lbs. is heavy.  I suddenly didn't feel so bad about the food I had eaten, because it could not negate my accomplishment.


I came home and weighed in again on Wednesday, March 7.  Driving to the doctor's office was like the long, slow crawl up the biggest hill on that roller coaster - agonizing, anxiety-inducing suspense.  I stepped on the scale, and as I suspected, I had gone up 2 pounds to 201.  (Insert interior screaming of both fear and terror!)  I was pretty sad, but quickly got over that - and decided that I'd get back on my program, and dip down again below 200 in no time. I had finally rolled into the station of the roller coaster ride, and I had actually survived.

Say cheese!

66 lbs. lost

Even though I've lost 66 pounds to date, I still hate having my picture taken.  I still dread seeing myself on film, and I probably always will.  Anytime you see me smiling on film, it's very possibly a forced smile, not a real one.  This is how all fat people feel about photographs, even if they say it isn't true.


I haven't posted photos in a long time for a few reasons:  
1.  I've been incredibly busy.
2.  I hate having my picture taken.
3.  I don't think the way I look has changed since the last set of photos, so I didn't see much point.


But, with all that being true, I realize that I'm not always right,and I don't always see what's really in front of me.  So today, I asked my sweet husband to take a few snaps - and here they are. 


I am not looking for sympathy or positive comments when I tell you that I dislike these photos intensely.  I simply dislike all photos of me, including these.


I can also say that they don't look that different from the last set to me - whether that's real or just what I see, it's my reality right now.


Additionally, I'm in weekend mode right now - which means I am not trying too hard with the way I look.  I've worked out and started laundry, but I sure haven't done much for my hair or makeup - because, well, it's Sunday - and I don't have to.


But sharing photos of the days I don't really try too hard is just as important as sharing the staged, prettier photos we all have taken from time to time - they are ALL of us, the real us, no matter what we think.  And dealing with that is part of this process.


A few things I know from these photographs - these are just some simple, cotton clothes, and they are not the most flattering in the world - that's why I just wear them around the house.  I could use some new bras, and will invest in them soon- because it is most certainly an investment.  I need some t-shirts that fit better, too.  I'm quite happy at how my legs are slimming down, though - and getting stronger, thanks to Zumba and walking a lot.  For those who remember that fateful day when I bought some pants in the regular size section for the first time - these are the very pants.  Nothing special, aside from the label that says XL (instead of 3X).


Seeing yourself in pictures is important - because it teaches you to see things more accurately, especially during a whole body makeover like mine.  While I still hate having my picture taken, I am glad I did it.

Weekly Weigh-In #25: My small, lovely life

My life is not perfect.  There are times when I dislike work, feel angry, and struggle with being depressed or deflated-feeling.  This is normal, natural, and everyone feels this.  But not today.  Today, while it's only half over, has been positively lovely.


I woke up at 7:30 this morning, opening my eyes to a lovely room filled with orange sunlight.  I was wrapped up in warm blankets, and the sheets were particularly soft and cozy against my skin.  


I came into the living room to find my sweet husband sitting on the love seat, playing solitaire in the quiet room.  The smell of coffee drew me into the kitchen, and after getting a cup of warm happiness and kissing my husband on the cheek, I sunk into my own spot on the couch and watched The Golden Girls for a bit while waking up.  We laughed at the girls as I drank my coffee and morning shake, and talked a bit about what kind of summer vacation we might want to take.  


Then, my sweet husband (who had been awake since 5am - always the early riser) went to lay down for his mid-morning nap/reading time, and I rolled up the carpet to make a space for Zumba.  I worked up a sweat and felt pretty good about my goofy, uncoordinated workout.  Then, I took a lovely, warm shower,trimmed my bangs, and settled back into my warm spot on the couch.  


This is nothing earth-shattering.  I did not find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease, I didn't save a turtle trying to cross the road - I didn't even do anything "productive" like dusting or laundry.  But I have had a truly enchanting morning - it has been warm and cozy, pleasant and gentle.  


Part of why this has been such a lovely morning is undoubtedly the fact that I love my family and our home, and feel completely happy here.  Another part is that I always feel better after exercise.  But stranger still is the fact that so much of my contentment is directly tied to my healthier, smaller body - I am certain of it.  When you feel good, life looks a little better.  It seems easier - and certainly richer.  Even if mine is a small life, it's a very good one.  Part of this is because I'm making it good - better, even.  


This week, I weighed in.  Here are the results.


Starting weight - 270 lbs.
This week's weight - 204 lbs.
Pounds lost - 2 lbs.
Total pounds lost - 66 lbs.


Maybe the reason I think today is lovely is because this morning, I stepped on the scale and saw 202 - not an official weigh-in, but a good sign that on Tuesday, weigh-in day, things will be good.  I'm so close to breaking 200... another reason to be happy.


I also think that part of having a lovely life is recognizing that it's lovely - not just filled with strife, tiredness, or turmoil.  If you can't actually see how much you have, you'll never really enjoy it.  My life is small and imperfect, but lovely.


Whether it's the cozy warmth of a sunny winter Saturday, the endorphin rush of exercise, the sweet husband kisses, or the withering numbers on the scale, I am very happy with my small life today.  I hope yours is just as lovely.

Weekly Weigh-In #24: Renewals

When I was in high school, my parents decided to go to Hawaii for their 20th anniversary.  They sent my brother and I to stay with our grandparents in Florida, and off they went.  At the time, I thought 10 days in Florida sounded great, and didn't really care too much about the terribly romantic vacation my parents were embarking on.  As an adult, I can now appreciate how wonderful it must have been for them - my dad had a special ring made for my mom, and even pretended to find it in the sand and surf before giving it to her.  In their own way, they were celebrating 20 years of marriage, and renewing their vows for another 20... and beyond.


Wedding vows aren't the only ones that matter, or need renewal.  Renewing your dedication to someone or something is powerful stuff... and we do it, even without meaning to.  Every time I see my best friend, Lenny, it's like we're renewing our pact to stay close even when we're miles apart.  Whenever Paul walks past me, he quietly grabs my caboose and smiles at me - this, too, is a renewal of his vow to love me forever.  

Sometimes, renewing a commitment needs to be more obvious, and more public.  This week, I had one of those renewals, too.  I weighed in on January 17.  Here are the numbers.


Weight: 206
Pounds lost: 2lbs.
Total pounds lost: 63


After three weeks stuck at 208 lbs, I am thrilled to be losing again - and I want to keep it that way.  Luckily, it wasn't just a weigh-in, it was also my monthly visit with Elizabeth.  We talked a little about my goals for the second half of my reducing phase, which I am now squarely in.  This made me realize that I without some goals, I could just let this diet go on endlessly... and I don't want that.  Right then and there, I found myself renewing my dedication to the diet, because the goals we created are reachable, smart and pretty dang awesome.


My 2012 diet goals:


1. Complete the reducing phase of this diet by June.  This simple statement really means I am going to lose all 100 unwanted pounds by June - that's 37 more lbs. to go, in 4 months.  I have averaged about 10 pounds per month all along, so it's realistic, but I am going to have to push myself to stay on that track.


2. After reducing is done, begin the adapting phase, where food gets reintroduced into my daily diet, in June/July. Most people do this over 6 weeks, but I may take longer since I will have been in the reducing phase for nearly a year.  We talked about taking 6 weeks to introduce one meal (with 2 shakes) per day, and then 6 weeks of 2 meals (with 1 shake) per day.  That puts the adapting phase through the whole summer, done around August.


3. Begin the maintenance phase by September 1, and stay with it at least a year.  This means continuing to visit the office once every other week, and maintaining my weight loss for at least one year.  I can continue having one shake a day, and they have high protein snacks I can add - and classes I must attend.  This is why I like this program so much - they have a real commitment to making sure I don't immediately pack the pounds back on, and let me say - I need this.


Along with these food goals, I have begun doing more exercise - I've added Zumba to my routine (and THAT hot mess is a whole other blog...) and will continue doing that for awhile, until it's time to target certain areas at the gym (around summer).  Fitness goals will be another blog, for I haven't really fleshed them out as thoroughly.


If I can reach all these goals, the following glorious moments will happen:

• On our anniversary in June, I will weigh 170 pounds, exactly 100 pounds less than on my wedding day.
• For our anniversary, I will be able to have a celebratory meal with my husband, that's totally within the rules.
• By my 40th birthday in August, I'll be moving into maintenance.  How's that for irony?
• By Christmas, when our family heads to Hawaii for an incredible holiday vacation, I will be a bonafide hottie, and strong enough to hike Diamond Head and Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, surf in Waikiki, and play with my son and niece all day long on the beach, without being too pooped to hula at day's end.

So, that's the plan.  And I'm pretty sure I can do it.  

Uh-oh... Plateau!

This morning, I realized that my last blog entry was on Christmas Eve, and it's been awhile since I had a chance to write.  That was week #20 of my diet, and I was at 208 pounds, having lost 61 pounds since beginning.  In weeks  #21, 22, and 23, I weighed in, but have stayed at the same weight - 208 pounds.  I have hit a plateau.  


Coincidence?  No.


I know that to stay the same weight during the holidays is a good thing - I ate some foods along with my shakes, including a few sugar-free cookies - and managed to do enough activity that the holidays didn't add inches or pounds to my frame.  That's good.


However, I am relatively sure that the past few weeks, I haven't been as committed to the diet as I was in weeks 1-20, including making time for exercise, drinking water, and blogging at least once or twice a week.  My energy has been good, but my walking hasn't been as consistent.  And I think it's all related. 

I know myself pretty well after 39 years of living with me.  I know that unless I make something a priority, I will gently let it slip away and make excuses later.  I've started dozens of paintings and not finished them.  I have many half-started knitting projects and books that I got about 3/4 of the way through.  So, being fully committed to this diet is key for my success.  I know it works (I look great so far!) and I know I can do it - and now, it's time to recommit for the last half of the process, and get the reducing phase done... and I have many reasons why.


Reason #1:  Every week I stay the same, that's another week of delaying the end of the reducing phase.  I am motivated to be done with this phase by June 1, so that I can begin building a summer wardrobe of clothes I'll be fitting into for a long time.


Reason #2:  Every month I am on the diet, I pay a fee for the services.  Essentially, I'm cheap, and would like to stop spending that money every month on the diet plan and start putting it into savings.


Reason #3:  I'm suspicious that my ability to keep eating shakes and puddings all day long will begin to wane if I go past the one year mark.  I started this in late June of 2011, and would like to be done the reducing phase under one year from that time.


Reason #4:  I know the adjusting and maintaining phases will come with their own challenges, as I begin to reintroduce the right foods into my diet.  I'd love for that to be happening over the summer, so our whole family can align their eating in a healthy way.  Since the boys are off summers, it might make that process easier.

Reason #5:  Our family will be spending next Christmas in Hawaii.  I want to look amazing in shorts, bathing suits, and Hawaiian dresses on that trip.  So, finishing reducing and having a good 6 months of maintaining the weight loss under my belt will make vacation food and pina coladas much easier to handle on the trip.


I have noticed that while my weight has plateaued, the shape of my body is still changing.  For instance, the part of my belly that's near my belly button is getting smaller, but the upper part of my stomach is not.  My upper arms are still flabby.  My face and neck are slimming down great, and my hips and backside are whittling away from all the walking I do.  Because of these discoveries, today I'm starting something new in my exercise routine - Zumba.  For Christmas, I received the DVD's to get started, and I'm going to try it out today.  I'm pretty excited, as I hear it's lots of fun - but I've never been able to make a class with my schedule.  So, the DVD's are a great start.  Hopefully that will help my muffin-top and chicken-wing arms.


Plateaus feel awful for awhile, but they aren't terrible things.  They happen - and then, you get re-motivated.  For me, it's time to get back to losing weight, and get rid of these last 39 pounds.  I'm so ready to do this.