Running the gauntlet.

This has been a very intense week.  I am sitting here on Friday evening, knowing I actually made it through, and the part of me that's wiped-out tired is actually still not convinced I survived.  In fact, it was the kind of week that would normally drive me directly into a bag of Cheetos, because I'm an emotional eater and I love Cheetos.  Here's a summary.


This week, as we all have read, I had my miniature nervous breakdown.  Let's not relive that.

This week, I also had a birthday.  I turned 39 (for real).  I tend to get weepy and reflective when my birthday comes around - not because of aging, but because I am a girl who wants to take in her life, not just get through it - and that takes brain space and emotional strength.  And tissues.  So, I get a bit emotional around my birthday as I reflect and write in my journal and bore my husband with stories of things he was actually present for - just so I can remember.  I always know it's coming, and I am often in a safe place when the emotions hit.  Usually I don't plan much around my birthday because I know what's coming, but this week, I was not able to do that.


This week, I was not at the office.  I was facilitating a week-long teacher workshop about arts infusion with some very talented co--presenters and about 50 amazing teachers.  It was inspiring and wonderful, but it was at a partner's site, not ours.  So, I was not at the office: which, for me, is an art museum that is opening it's doors in 13 weeks to a very excited and discriminating public.  You can imagine that tensions are beginning to climb - as is the adrenaline and excitement - at work.  Therefore, it's not been the best week to be away from the office.  Things still need to get done, even though I'm not there - so, in the evenings, I'm answering the 60+ emails per day I receive, and trying to stay connected with my talented team and make sure they are not abandoned.  That makes for some very long days.

Part of the fun of professional development for teachers is the creative learning community that emerges, and part of the fun is the never-ending parade of food and snacks that is often given to the participants.  This particular workshop is not only one of the best in the entire country, but the food is OUTSTANDING.  Breakfasts including bagels, sausages wrapped in little rolls, yogurt, fruit, danish, cream cheese, croissants - and that's just BREAKFAST!  Snacks all day - pretzels, chocolate, fruit - the kind of snacks that get you through the 3 o'clock doldrums with a sugar high - and plenty of 'em.  Luncheons that are catered and smell incredible, with very nice people serving large scoops of food.  Smoothies, even!  And today, at the end of the week, ice cream for everyone!  Boy, do they know how to do it.  The participants love having these choices, and are invited often to "refresh themselves" all day by a gracious host.  It's truly awesome.


Unless you're drinking shakes and trying to lose weight.  On your birthday week.  You know, the week you've been thinking about for awhile, quietly, and saying only to yourself, "for my birthday, it's ok to go to Five Guys..."  Then, it's not quite as awesome.  Then, it's just hard.


Add to that the people at this workshop, who are genuinely proud of me and truly kind, and who all feel badly for eating in front of me, even though I insist that I'm fine - and it can be a long week for a girl on a shake diet.


If ever a girl was going to blow her diet and eat her weight in Greek yogurt and Milky Way Bars, it was me, this week.  But here's the thing:  I ate none of it.  Not one morsel.  


I filled my water bottle and drank it down.  I had only decaf coffee and my shakes, and didn't so much as lick the salt off one pretzel stick.  (I may have inadvertently given some sweet teacher a dirty look as they loaded up their bagel with some schmear, but I really didn't mean to.)  I ran the gauntlet of the professional development food table and didn't lose so much as a pinky toe.  And I feel like a prizefighter who just won his toughest bout.


As for my birthday, I had two shakes, and went out to dinner with my sweet husband.  He did some research online to see what restaurants in the area would be best for us, and based on the nutrition facts, we settled on Ruby Tuesday because of their salad bar.  I had a salad with lots of fresh veggies, and very little dressing.  I ordered a small sirlion and had grilled zucchini with it that I am now dreaming about... it was beyond delish.  During dinner, I found myself oohing and aahing over that grilled zucchini just the same way I used to drool over a Philly cheesesteak.  That's when I realized - it's happened.  I've been reprogrammed.  I now LOVE vegetables because they are my reward - my treat, even.  When all you drink are shakes, some fresh tomatoes and crisp lettuce seem like heaven.


I now understand, better than ever, that I need not mourn the loss of food that ultimately makes me feel sluggish and lousy.  I just don't need it anymore.  I have a new approach.


The truth is this:  I love my job and my busy office.  I love the educators I worked with all week.  I love the way I feel now that I'm getting lighter by the minute, and I love the fact that it's the first diet in 6 years that is actually working.  But also, I am exhausted.  I am older.  I am proud of myself for making the right choices, even when life is stressful or tiring.  While I may be tired of running the gauntlet - on all levels - I keep on running, because I have to.  It's who I am.