Weekly Weigh In #8: The F Word(s)

We've been watching a lot of BBC lately, especially Doctor Who.  Most of the time, it's just before "Gordon Ramsay's The F Word," which is a cooking show.  While I've never seen it, I have seen the ads, and I am relatively sure his "F-Word" is FOOD.  Well, Gordon, I'm here to tell you this:  while it's not the traditional "F-Word," it sure is a good one... four letters, emotional, and descriptive.  Yeah, that's my F-Word too, alright.  But it's not the only one.


This morning, I weighed in.  Here are the stats:

Weight:  236

6 lbs. lost

32 lbs. lost total

And therefore, today's F-Word is FABULOUS.  I feel fabulous... practically giddy, in fact.  This sure makes up for last week's disappointment of losing only 1 pound.  I weighed in, and had my monthly appointment with Elizabeth, the PA in the office.  She is not only lovely and kind, but she asks great questions and listens intently to the answers.  She's also, in my experience, known to throw out these little gems of wisdom that get me through the not-so-good days.  Today was no exception.

"So, Niki, you've lost 32 pounds.  How does that feel?"  

(She gets right to it.)

I feel fabulous.  Everything feels different - better, even.  I have more energy, I don't feel horribly full after eating anymore, I am doing things I never did before (like crossing my legs!) and my clothes are now at the stage where I need to replace them.  In short, I feel completely fantastic.


There's another F-Word:  FEEL.  So much of this diet is about physical changes, but what surprises me the most is how much it's changed not only my self but how I FEEL about myself.  I feel more confident, more grown up - more in control of my life.  And yes, as you've surely read, sometimes I feel awful and crabby... but who doesn't?  This whole idea of being about 1/3 of the way to my goal makes me feel a whole bunch of emotions from grateful to courageous.  There's no shortage of feelings here, friends.




Beyond all others, the key F-Word in my journey so far is FAT.  It's the enemy - the thing I've let take over my body.  Most people don't like that word, because it seems negative and derogatory.  I hear folks use all kinds of synonyms:

"Oh, Mr. Whipple is just big-boned."

"Madame Picklepot has always been chunky."

"Isn't Arthur getting a little thick around the middle?"

"Cousin Marge has always been hefty, dear."

Why are we so afraid to use the word FAT?  It's not Voldemort, after all - the word has no actual power and it will not attack you with a wand.  I think we don't use it because we don't want to admit that we are, indeed, fat.  It's a word that, once uttered, cannot be taken back; one so descriptive that it immediately creates a picture in our heads.  Remember being a kid, and insulting people on the playground?  Wasn't FAT always in there somewhere?  Well, to paraphrase Hermione Granger, "Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing..." so stop avoiding the fat.

One of the most common things I hear from people is that they can't believe I've put my actual weight on the internet, let alone photographs of myself in various stages of fatness.  For me, this journey is about complete transparency, and sharing all the details I can... which means another F-Word for me is FACT.  If I pretend I "don't know" how much I weigh, or what size clothing I wear, it doesn't make me thinner in anyone's eyes.  It actually ends up making me fatter - because people who avoid the numbers are known to gain more, and be more erratic with their weight maintenance.  It's a little like balancing my checkbook - I could pretend I have more money in there than I actually do, but eventually, the carelessness will cost me, and I'll be slapped with an overdraft fee.  Pointless!  Be up front about your facts, because everyone can totally see them anyway.


That kind of honesty can be positively FRIGHTENING for some people, including me.  This past weekend is a great example of that:  I was a mess, and felt lost and crazy.  And those feelings are totally frightening.  Nobody likes to feel out of control, and when you're fat, you are out of control.  So, I can say honestly, I'd rather have the frightening feeling of being on the diet, than the frightening feeling of being overweight.


And after a weekend of crazy-feelings, I go in and have a great weight loss week like I did today - and then, suddenly feel FOOLISH.  Why did I freak out so hard?  Why didn't I just trust the process?  The gem of wisdom Elizabeth shared today was right in this line of thinking:

"Your body can't do arithmetic.  It doesn't know it's supposed to lose a certain number of pounds each week.  It has cycles and will respond differently from week to week."

And all these years, I thought only my brain balked at math... turns out my belly sucks at it too.  What a relief to know that not everything that happens is directly tied to my inadequacies... that said, I know I've got to put in the work, or I'll start putting back on the pounds.

My best friend is a beautiful, talented, hilarious woman.  Her husband is not only a great Dad and partner, but a helluva nice guy.  I love them and their girls endlessly.  Since I started this diet, they've both been inspired to reduce their calories, too... first Harv, the hubby, and now, the beautiful Lenny.  They are doing great, and keep me updated on their progress via text messages and Facebook notes.   Yesterday, I got this text from my best friend:

"I've been eating less calories and have already lost 6 pounds.  I just look at the food and say, "F*** You, Food!  Like today, I looked at a cookie, and said, "F*** You, Cookie!  And then I ate half... baby steps."

And this brings me to my favorite F-Word of all, THE F-WORD (the big one, the F-Bomb, THE word).  I have a conflicted relationship with the F-Word, because I love to say it - but I am very choosy about when and where.  You learn this as a teacher - and while working at Disney - and when giving tours in art museums - and when spending time with people you respect and love.  I say it a LOT less now than I ever did, but it's still my favorite, and it's a favorite of many - it's everywhere these days, even children's books.

So, when Lenny texted me her message, complete with little stars instead of the real word, I decided it was the most brilliant thing ever.  Now, my beloved mother, who hates the F-Word so much that she made up her own alternative ("fuffies") will not agree that this is a terrific weight-management tool.  But I think, at the right times and places, it just might do the trick.  Not to worry, Mom, I promise to use "fuffies" when you're around.  (Just imagine me shouting out into the food court, "Fuffies you, Sbarro Pizza!)

Yes, Gordon Ramsay, we all have our F-Words.  I have many.  Some are positive, some are taboo, and some are raunchy - and I'm claiming them all.