Weekly Weigh In #9: Seeing is Believing?

I have learned not to believe my eyes.  Not everything is as it seems.


Movies have taught me not to trust what I see.  Did the White House really blow up just as fake president Bill Pullman flew away in Air Force One?  No.  That was fake.  Does the world really spin around because people are dreaming, dropping Leonardo Di Caprio into a new world with his long suffering wife?  Nope.  Not at all.  And does Leonard Nimoy really have pointy ears?  I'm going with no here, too.  All fake... all created.  We know all that stuff isn't real.  We know it's movie magic (or, at best, some backlot in Tarzana, California, made to look like Mars or a southern woman's backyard or the Death Star).  We don't really care, though, because the suspension of disbelief has us thinking it's real, even if only for a moment.  We want it to be real, so we see it.  Believe it.

One would think that "reality" television would give us a somewhat more realistic view of actual people - and make it easier to "believe" what we see.  But, that's not true, either.  I am continually amazed by what I see on reality TV - and kind of can't believe it.  Case in point:  I love Jersey Shore.  It's pure escapism, I know - and I don't care if you judge me for watching, I still will watch.  But I continually can't believe what I am seeing on that show - the clothing, the bronzer, the crazy jewelry they wear - I see it, but I don't really believe that anyone can be THAT nuts.  

Magicians rely on the fact that we don't really see what's in front of us.  They capitalize on this one truth, and through cleverness and sleight-of-hand trickery, amaze us with their talents.  On our recent honeymoon cruise, a magician performed at our dinner table one evening, doing things I could NOT believe - but I saw it.  I still cannot figure out how he did the things he did.


All of these things are designed to deceive us.  But some things are not - and they're just as hard to believe when seen.


Sometimes, when I look at my paycheck, I can't believe the number is real.  After taxes, insurance, 401(k) contributions and the like, I can't believe how little of the money I've earned actually comes home with me.


Every day I drive to work and watch our museum come out of the ground, piece by piece.  The unbelievably talented construction crew that is making it happen is working at an incredible pace - one day, I'll leave for the evening and see an empty space.  The next morning, there's a building there - just that quick.  I can hardly believe it.


And nothing could be more surprising than the sight of our 14-year-old cleaning the bathroom.  That's purely incredible... I see it, but sometimes can't believe it's actually happening.


Today, I weighed in.  I was relatively sure that the week had been only mildly successful, if at all, because I had a stressful time and didn't exercise at all.  I was nervous about the weigh in, and didn't know what to expect.  I couldn't "read" the way my body felt, and I saw no difference in the mirror.  On the other side, I went shopping this week and ended up in pants two sizes smaller than usual (formerly a Women's Size 24, now a size 20) so maybe I was doing better than I thought?  I also had to have my wedding rings sized down from a size 9 to a size 8, and they fit beautifully now... another good sign, yes?  Well, here are the stats:

Weight: 234 lbs.

Pounds lost this week:  2.

Total pounds lost:  34.

I must have looked surprised at the weight loss, because Casey asked me how I felt about it.  I told her I had snacked (on veggies) and felt stressed this week, and until that very moment, I just wasn't sure if I had lost weight.  She asked what my other measures of success were, and I told her about the pants and the rings.  As she took my blood pressure, she said she was happy that I could identify my food triggers, and make good choices when I snacked.  I agreed... I am learning.  Then, I gathered my things and headed off to work.  


Once I got home, I realized I haven't posted photographs of myself in awhile.  I asked my sweet husband to snap a couple images, and I smiled for the camera.  


When I looked at the photos, I saw absolutely no difference from the girl who started this diet 9 weeks ago - I still just look fat - which is totally unfair.  I have lost 34 pounds.  I've lost more than three inches in my waist, and even an inch in my neck - and in these photographs, all I see is a big square person who doesn't look any smaller.  I actually asked for them to be taken again just in case somehow - as if by the grace of God - it was the camera's fault I still looked fat.  But, true to form, I was still there, square and large.  


I felt quite demolished - just like in my beloved movies and tv shows, when the main character finally sees the thing that's been right in front of his face the whole time, and it ruins everything.  Here, I'd been feeling so good about losing weight, but in truth, I'm still fat.  How depressing.


Then, I sat down to begin my blog, and remembered something else Casey said today.  She mentioned how so many people can't actually see the change that's happening to them, even though all the proof is there - smaller pants and rings, compliments from friends and family - yet, they just see themselves as the same old person.  That's when I realized that I really CAN'T trust my eyes - they are not able to see the change that everyone else can.  It's not a Hollywood trick, it's really impossible for me to see what's happening.


For this reason, I'm going to have to rely on the milestones that are not seen, but felt.  The ones that I can identify even in the dark, without any visual confirmation:  the way I feel, the energy I've gained, the lack of pain in my legs, and the physical feel of my body shrinking day by day.  Because, while I've often been led astray by the visual world, I've never gone wrong by listening to my heart.